September 30th, 2015 - The Snake Woman (1960)

The Snake Woman is an oldie but not all that goodie (but not so baddie) about a village in the English countryside in the early 1900's. The village, as you may guess, is being terrorized by a Snake Woman. And "terrorized" is maybe a bit strong - she's been at it for about 20 years, and only nabs one or two people a year. Seems like they would have done something about it by now. But you never feel too bad about it, because the villagers are mostly jerks and kind of brought it on themselves. I'll explain:

The film starts with famed herpetologist Dr. Adderson injecting his wife with snake venom. Apparently, injecting poison into the ill is Adderson's field of study - it may even work for cancer! In his wife's case, he's hoping to cure her "madness." But she is pregnant and worried about her unborn child. Well, it's not unborn for long... she goes into labor, and Adderson gets Dr. Murton (to deliver the baby) as well as midwife Aggie Harker. Sadly, Mrs. Adderson dies in childbirth, and Dr. Murton says the child is dead too - she's cold to the touch and doesn't blink. (Like a certain reptile, perhaps?) But it turns out the baby is alive! Aggie is also the village mystic (like a Christian witchdoctor if that's a thing), and tries to stab the baby with scissors (!) saying "we're all doomed!" or something along those lines. So the doctors give her the boot, and she runs to town to round up a posse. Dr. Murton wants to protect the baby (she's a scientific miracle!), and takes her away from the house so Adderson can pick her up after the posse is done. But the posse is a bunch of assholes, and isn't too keen on snakes. So they smash all of the cages and set the house on fire - killing Adderson in the process. I don't know, if you smash a bunch of snake cages, don't be surprised if people get bitten by snakes, you know? Jerks.

September 29th, 2015 - Mercy (2014)

Clever me - I thought it'd be funny to watch Almost Mercy, followed up by Mercy. If only there was an Absolute Mercy or something along those lines, I'd be set. I really liked Almost Mercy... and that makes one, I guess. Mercy just didn't grab me in any way - and it felt like it was playing with kiddie gloves, like it's an amped up Goosebumps episode or something.

Mercy is based on the Stephen King short story "Gramma" from his Skeleton Crew collection, which means I've read it at some point in my life. But I have no recollection of it at all. It sounds like the main gist of the thing stayed the same (young boy and potentially evil grandma), but the setting and supporting cast have been changed dramatically. It's not like King's stories have the best cinematic track records anyways, so I doubt knowing any of this beforehand would have changed things. But it's worth reporting, I guess.

September 28th, 2015 - Almost Mercy (2015)

Almost Mercy was the very definition of a pleasant surprise. Or rather - an unpleasant surprise. It's a pretty nasty (but sometimes darkly humorous) film that kind of glorifies school shootings in a way, so I guess "pleasant" wouldn't be a very apt adjective. I wasn't expecting much, but I'd go so far to say that I was close to loving this film.

The film undoubtedly has a good sense of energy about it. It reminded me in a weird way of the wave of Tarantino knock-offs we got in the mid-to-late 90's - kind of hyperkinetic/hyper-violent and having an overly articulate narrator (which is not anything I necessarily think of when I think "Tarantino," but a lot of the knock-offs had that in common for whatever reason). So while that vibe may turn some people off, I feel like it's been long enough since that style has been en vogue that I'm open to seeing films in that style again. Plus, if it's good it's good.

September 27th, 2015 - Slime City Massacre (2010)

I remember reading about this film a couple of years back and mentally filing it away on my "maybe watch" list. But you couldn't rent the DVD on Netflix, and it wasn't enticing enough to buy online. But when I was visiting a buddy out in California and came across the Special Edition used for $7.99 at Streetlight records in San Jose, I had to pick it up. And if I knew then what I know now (i.e. that I wouldn't like it very much), I probably would have passed. But still, I've got fond memories of that record store, even if Slime City Massacre ended up being a bust.

Also, I wish I had paid more attention when I read about it - apparently this is the sequel to 1988's Slime City. I highly doubt that seeing the original would make all that much of a difference (Massacre feels pretty self-contained), but still. It's good to be informed. That being said, the original is now pretty low on my "maybe watch" list. And that's a damned big list.

September 26th, 2015 - Asylum (1972)

According to the Amazon blurb, Asylum is "widely regarded as one of the best horror anthology films ever made." I was not familiar with it, but I generally don't actively seek out anthologies. I haven't had a lot of luck with them; other than Creepshow I can't really even think of one that I've liked. But due to a wedding, I knew I had to watch something that could be watched in segments... so there you go.

And yeah, Asylum is pretty good. Probably a bit tame by today's standards, and it's a little more psychologically-based than I'd usually go for. But it's called and takes place in an Asylum, so I guess that makes sense.

The other thing about anthologies? They are either really hard or really easy to write about. I'm going to go the easy route and will spare you the details of each individual story. And essentially, because of the structure of the stories, a synopsis would serve double duty as a mild spoiler. Another good reason for me to be lazy.

September 25th, 2105 - Exeter (2015)

I'm kind of curious how Exeter came to be. Netflix Instant was pretty intent on me watching it (despite thinking I'd give it one-and-a-half stars, it was on my little featured list for some time). And while it's not a Netflix Original, I don't recall it having a notable release. Not that I have my finger on the pulse of DTV horror or anything, but it at least looks like an expensive enough film - and has enough big names involved behind the scenes - that I don't get why there wasn't a minor theatrical push. (For the record, it was produced by Jason Blum, of "a shitload of horror movies" fame, and directed by Marcus Nipsel, who helmed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre & Friday the 13th remakes.) I'm not saying Exeter is good or anything, but it seems like the studios (often correctly) think they can just put whatever horror crap out and it will make money.

That's not an endorsement, by the way. The big issue with Exeter is that it has some aggressively grating characters. Honestly, aside from our lead, there are maybe two other characters (if you're being generous) that aren't nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying. There are a couple of things in the film that made me wonder if it was even supposed to take place in the real world, or if it's supposed to be some kind of horror-film parody or something. You've got the HORRIBLE supporting characters, and the speed with which they are able to throw together a MASSIVE party at an old abandoned orphanage was just crazy. Our main dude Patrick has some ins there - he's helping restore it for his church group. No sooner than Patrick says "no man - we can't party there!" - there's like a thousand people there, doing hard drugs and rocking out to a loud sound system. All they needed was some whooshing sound or something on the soundtrack to complete the effect.

September 24th, 2015 - Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2014)

Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies is a shitty, shitty movie. Shocking, right? It seems like it was made solely to cash in on less-than-discerning and/or stupid wrestling fans (I may be both of those things) who just see a couple of big names and check it out. And I guess this does have a decent cast of rasslers. If you don't listen to me and see this film, you'll get to see "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Matt Hardy, Reby Sky, some (presumably) well-known indie names, and a cameo by the Olympic Champion himself Kurt Angle. (Who incidentally is one of my all time favorites, but after this and River of Darkness seems to be movie poison.) Pro wrestlers are seen as not being good actors - and no one here does anything to dispel that. Not that the script ever gives them anything "actorly" to do. Lest you forget, it's called Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper is the exception and has a significant role - he *almost* manages to pull the film up from the muck on the sheer strength of his charisma and innate likability. But not even "Hot Rod" (Rest in Peace) can make this thing watchable.

The main gist of the story? "The Franchise" Shane Douglas (who is also listed as a producer) is kind of a dick, and seemingly kills a guy in the ring on purpose with a piledriver. I think because he saw his opponent making out with his lady before the match? Anyways, Douglas seems to be in the hero role, but writer-director Cody Knotts makes the interesting choice to make him and unlikable asshole. I mean, save Hacksaw and Roddy Piper, every name wrestler in this film seems like a hateful idiot. Not what you really want from you "star," I think.

September 23rd, 2015 - Archivo 253 (2015)

Archivo 253 pros:
- Good use of hair to be disturbing
- In Spanish, so you can feel a little more cultured (if you don't already speak Spanish, I guess)

Archivo 253 cons:
- Everything else. It turns out Mexico can produce just as bland and boring of a ghost hunting movie as we can here in the good old USA.

I shouldn't really even have to tell you what it's about; it's pretty generic as far as these things go. I guess there's a little twist in that these four are amateurs and aren't filming it for a reality show... they're just doing it for the kicks, man! Of course, they end up paying for said kicks with their lives (not a spoiler - it's one of those where they tell you right at the beginning that they were never found).

September 22nd, 2015 - Deadhouse (2005)

Ripping on DeadHouse feels a little mean. It's such an obviously low budget and amateurish number that you kind of want to cut it some slack. But it sucks so bad that you can't, in good conscience, do that.

Basically, your story is: Three friends (one dude and two sisters) are driving on a long trip to a relative's house. They almost run over a guy wandering on the side of the highway, and offer to give him a ride as payment for nearly killing him. The four of them seem to be a bit lost... and in a twist of bad luck, their car gets stuck in the mud! So they hoof it to go find some help.

September 21st, 2015 - The Demon (1981)

Let me set the stage for you: It's late - I'm tired, I'm wasted - I just want to go to sleep; I'm literally looking for something that I could start watching in bed and fall asleep without feeling bad. (It was a *long* Monday.) I randomly picked The Demon on youtube - it looked bland enough to fit the bill.

But my meager expectations were handily surpassed. I'm not willing to call The Demon "a good movie," but it managed to hold my attention. Although I reckoned as much when I saw Cameron Mitchell's name in the credits - I don't know why, but I love that guy. I mean, "I watched it without falling asleep" sounds like pretty feint praise, but considering how I was feeling that night? It's honest-to-goodness regular praise.

September 20th, 2015 - Let Us Prey (2014)

Let Us Prey is a pretty solid horror-ish twist on Assault on Precinct 13. The whole shebang more or less takes place at a smallish Irish police station on Rachel Heggie's first night on the force. While out on patrol, she witnesses a hooligan kid run over a drifter looking guy. But the drifter vanishes into thin air! She brings in the kid anyways, which kind of annoys her assholish Sergeant. They put out an APB on the drifter, and the (only) other two cops on duty bring him in. But he seems catatonic - he won't talk, won't respond - just sits there looking all rugged and creepy. The fuzz calls in a doctor to check him out... and that's what we're left with. A-hole Seargent, Rookie, two other jerky cops, Drifter, Doctor, and a couple of other prisoners.

But unlike Precinct 13, the danger here comes from inside the police station. When he eventually speaks, the drifter is even more mysterious than he lets on, and *everyone* has some deep, dark secrets that they must own up to.

September 19th, 2015 - Satan's Wife (1979)

Satan's Wife is far less about Satan's wife than it is about her daughter. But she's not Satan's daughter, and Satan's Wife's Daughter would be a terrible name for a movie. So Satan's Wife it is. (And for what it's worth: according to google translate, the text listed above means "A Shadow in the Shadows," which would be a good/bad title for a film too.)

Carlotta and Satan are not married in the traditional sense. The gist of the whole thing is that a group of four or five women made a marriage-ish pact with Satan long ago. Exactly why is anyones guess - the only thing I know for sure is that the ceremony involved a lot of dancing. But it hasn't seemed to help any of the ladies out - one woman has resorted to a life of prostitution, and Carlotta is in the process of a nasty divorce from her (non-Satan) husband. Plus, her daughter Daria is starting to show signs of being, well... evil. All of the women seem to regret their pact with the Dark Prince, and actually try to reverse it at one point. It's kind of interesting, because pretty much everyone in the film is a regretful Satanist - other than the possessed daughter, there's no one taking the pro-Satan side of the argument. Satan himself is relegated to a pretty small role - he's just this vaguely menacing but kind of normal looking dude who just shows up every occasionally and gets dramatic camerawork and special lighting. I'm not sure if he ever actually *does* anything.

September 18th, 2015 - The Vampire's Coffin (1958)

The Vampire's Coffin is about a doctor who goes to great lengths to find the grave of a vampire... he justifies it by saying "it's all in the name of science." Check out how his cells have not deteriorated despite being dead for years! But of course, the vampire gets out. Havoc ensues.

As you may have guessed from the title screen, it's a Spanish film (made in Mexico), and apparently a sequel to the popular (and much better, judging from the reviews) El Vampiro. It's got the same cast, and I'm guessing they put a stake in the heart of the evil Count Karol de Lavud (German Robles) at the end of part one. But you can't keep a good vampire down, so he's back here for more. He gets out after the the shady grave robber the doctor hired gets greedy and tries to take a medallion from Lavud's corpse. Are there any upstanding folks in the grave-robbing community anymore? To get to the medallion, he must remove the stake, which I guess means Lavud comes back to life.

September 17th, 2015 - Bad Milo! (2013)

Bad Milo is probably the best killer ass-monster comedy I've ever seen. It's a horror-comedy that occasionally lingers a little too long in the potty humor department, but that may be a necessary evil when you're dealing with a monster that resides in a man's colon. But the gross humor is offset with some clever jokes and surprisingly, a little heart. It's a funny, breezy, and ultimately interesting film.

Duncan (Ken Marino) has severe gastrointestinal problems. He's prone to long fits of gas as well as long and painful bowel movements (to the point where his loving wife wears earplugs to bed while he's doing his thing). The specialist he's seen believes it to be stress-related; Duncan is the kind of guy that bottles up his emotions. So the doctor schedules a colonoscopy, and his current prescription for Duncan is "no stress."

September 16th, 2015 - Dead Dudes in the House (1989)

Dead Dudes in the House is a pretty damned silly title, and the movie itself is only slightly less silly. (Before Troma got it for distribution, it was finished with the not-silly-enough title The Dead Come Home.) But the wacky name is probably for the best - it's hard to play it straight when your villain is an elderly lady who likes to stab people (obviously played by a young man in makeup doing a generic Granny impression, BTW). There's some goofy fun and cheap gore to enjoy here, but mostly it's just a little too cheesy to be all that enjoyable.

Dead Dudes is about a group of eight or so friends (not all dudes, for what it's worth) going to renovate an old house. One of them bought the house as a fixer-upper at a bargain basement price... I wonder why? If you guessed "haunted," then come up and collect your prize. There's the creepy and stabby old lady wandering around, and the house itself seems intent on keeping the friends there - once you're inside, the doors won't open and the windows don't break. But the kicker? After someone is killed, they'll come back to life and try to kill their other friends. And they're not just brainless zombies or anything - they can still talk and joke around or whatever. The only differences are (1) they look worse for wear, and (2) they want to kill you.

September 15th, 2015 - Exit to Hell (2013)

Eh - I just didn't like Exit to Hell as much as a hoped I would. I like the actors involved (Kane Hodder, Tiffany Shepis), but it's just way too faux-grindhousey for my liking. You get a ton of aggressive effects to simulate old scratches/jumps/whatever on the film, and it just doesn't work. I'm not inherently opposed to it, but when little effects draw more attention than the actual story, that's a problem.

The film also manages to feel overly padded yet underdone at the same time. It starts with a little movie-within-a-movie (a gory nurse/zombie thing that if I had to guess was probably an existing short from one of the filmmakers), and then a ten minute story before the credits where a Chris R. looking guy and his buddy botch a gas station robbery. I guess it serves to introduce our main bad guy, Sheriff Sickle (not what they call him, because those two words sound dumb together - but it's still what he'd be), played by Kane Hodder. At any rate, it's nearly 15 minutes into the film before we get introduced to our *actual* main characters. And the film (sans the ending credits) is only an hour and fifteen minutes, so really you only get an hour to tell the whole story. Which ends with a big fat "huh - that's it?" So I don't know, it just doesn't feel well-laid out to me.

September 14th, 2015 - Black Belly of the Tarantula (1971)

Black Belly of the Tarantula is a pretty well made film that never goes too far over the top. You get just about everything you could want as a giallo fan, but maybe in smaller doses than you're used to - a creepy stalking killer, sexy victims, decent style and competent action. None of it is really going to blow you away, but it's a good enough entry into the genre and worth seeing if you're a fan.

The beginning of the film is a bit jarring - you've got the beautiful Maria (Barbara Bouchet) getting a (nude) massage at a spa while the credits run, then she quickly taking a phone call where she argues a bit with her husband... and cut to spousal abuse. At home, her husband smacks her around for cheating on him - apparently someone had taken pictures of her adulterous affair and sent them to her husband. So right off the bat, you've got the typical giallo trappings of sex paired with violence.

September 13th, 2015 - Nightmare Weekend (1986)

Since I watched Croaked: Frog Monster From Hell the other day, an entire new world of film has been opened up to me. It seems like Troma films has a ton of their stuff available on Amazon Prime... and while I'm pretty hit or miss on a lot of the films produced directly by Troma (they sometimes feel a little *too* intentionally cheesy to me), I'm pretty happy to have found a lot of the older independent films that they've distributed at one time or another. 

And for me, Nightmare Weekend was a wonderful find. Objectively speaking, it's a bad, bad film. But it's just plain weird enough, incompetent enough, and filled with enough WTF moments that I had a great time with it.

September 12th, 2015 - Roboshark (2015)

It should come as no surprise that Roboshark is really, really stupid. It's another in the long line of Syfy movie of the week mashup shark films - it's got some heavy competition up agains the Ghost Shark and Sand Sharks of the world. And it goes the Sharknado route of being a little too in-the-know about how stupid it is, dialogue along the lines of "This feels like one of those Syfy movies of the week!" and "This isn't a comedy... is it.?" That being said, it's hard to me to totally hate on a film featuring a billionaire computer developer named Bill Glates.

The story (as it were) goes like this: A (surprisingly decent-looking) alien spaceship shoots a little orb into the ocean, where a great white gobbles it up. It is immediately transformed into a (unsurprisingly crappy-looking) Roboshark - honestly, it looks like a cartoon. It then does what you would expect a roboshark to do - attacks a nuclear sub, and then goes into the waterways beneath Bulgaria - er, I mean, Seattle - to randomly pop up out of the ground and attack people.

September 11th, 2015 - Los Inocentes (2013)

aka Bloody April Fools

Los Inocentes is a just okay Spanish slasher that has a few fun moments. But overall, there isn't much tension or anything too interesting about the film... the gore is all right and a few of the kills are a little goofier than you usually get (i.e. a person being attacked by a swarm of bees), but there just isn't enough of an interesting story to hold things together. I mean, a bunch of friends go out to an abandoned hostel - of course most/all of them are going to get killed. I guess the fun is in how you get there or what tweaks there are to the formula. And in that respect, Los Inocentes doesn't have much to offer.

Our group of friends have left the city to have an April Fools Day outing - or at least that's the synopsis on imdb. And the title on Netflix is Bloody April Fools. The problem? April Fool's is not celebrated in Spain - although there is a similar holiday in late December called Dia de los Santos Inocentes, aka Holy Innocents Day. (Which, if the wikipedia page is correct, is a commemoration of a Biblical Event - "the killing of all children under two years [old] born in Bethlehem." Wow... there's a horror movie for you. Not sure how that translates into "pranks," but whatever.) But really, any excuse to have a bunch of kids go out for a night of partying would've done the job. One of the kids is a jokester, but the whole thing doesn't really depend on the holiday. There is a little cognitive dissonance watching a film called Bloody April Fools where the kids clearly talk about it being December, but that's you get for watching foreign films.

September 10th, 2015 - Flesh Feast (1970)

It's hard to really even know where to begin with Flesh Feast. It's a big clunker of a movie that isn't compelling or scary in any way, and just doesn't make much sense. And there isn't enough "badness" to keep things entertaining. Director Brad Ginter struck semi-intentional gold a couple of years later with Blood Freak, but Flesh Feast doesn't have any of that film's bizarreness or strange religious overtones to help it along. There are a couple of fun moments - especially towards the end when the big bad is revealed - but to get there you need to take a long, slow road of nothing.

So here's the story as I could piece it together. But please note: Flesh Feast is the kind of film that is just very hard to pay attention to - it looks bad, has no interesting characters, and tension/horror is practically nil. You could at least hope for some cheap gore in a Blood Feast (in name) rip-off, but there's hardly any of that here. So *SPOILERS* I guess. Doing a synopsis is the easiest way for me to get through this entry. Flesh Feast is so flat and forgettable that it's hard for me to even know what to say.

September 9th, 2015 - Frankenstein '80 (1972)

That's some high quality framing

Goofy and rapey is a very odd vibe for a film to shoot for. The two just don't go together under any circumstances, and I don't think even the boldest and/or most talented filmmaker would even try. But that doesn't stop Frankenstein '80, an Italian exploitation flick that is semi-interesting as a gory novelty, but is certainly not a very good movie.

It's a film that asks the bold question - what if early-70's Dr. Frankenstein put gonads into his creation (called "Mosiac" here), and the organ caused the monster to become not only murderer, but also a rapist? Sounds fun, yeah?

September 8th, 2015 - Death Warmed Up (1984)

Death Warmed Up is a pretty crazy Island of Dr. Moreau/zombie mash up that's surprisingly entertaining. The hit-to-miss ratio on this Pure Terror Budget set has been solid enough that I'm starting to expect good movies - or at least entertaining ones. And Death Warmed Up fits the bill - not "good," but a fun enough time. While the overarching story is relatively simple and easy to follow (dude goes to island for revenge on a crazy doctor), it's not a particularly well-told tale - it feels a little sloppy at times, but not enough to derail what is a mostly good time. It's a high-energy New Zealand import, made several years before Peter Jackson brought the New Zealand horror-comedy to international fame. Like Jackson's early films, there is mad-cap craziness to Death Warmed Up that is hard not to enjoy. While it's not as intentionally humorous as Dead Alive or the like, it's got some solid WTF moments/effects that will have you half-covering your eyes and half-laughing.

The film is about a young man named Michael who is hypnotized by Evil Doctor Archer Howell (I think). Dr. Archer claims to be doing very risky brain surgeries in the name of bringing immortality to his patients, but he seems to be more cut out to make psycho-zombies. Anyways, Michael's Father is a rival of Dr. Archer - i.e. he believes in being responsible and the scientific method and all that boring stuff. So Dr. Archer hypnotizes Michael and makes him kill his parents. Micheal is found guilty of the crime and sentenced to a mental institution.

September 7th, 2015 - Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell (1981)

Also known by the (much sexier) title Croaked: The Frog Monster From Hell. I'm guessing it was renamed after team Troma got a hold of the distribution rights. While Rana does share some traits with the typical Troma film (i.e. it looks cheap and features some iffy special effects), it's a pretty earnest lake monster film that lacks Troma's patented blend of goofy humor and/or over the top gore. Rana was directed by Bill Rebane (of Monster a Go-Go and The Capture of Bigfoot "fame"), and it's got a regional feel I couldn't help but find charming. Rebane shot his film in the cinema hotbed of rural Wisconsin with the only kind of cast you can get to act in a low budget horror film shot in rural Wisconsin: game, but not that seasoned. And while the film is a bit slow at times, it more or less won me over with it's straight forward style and just enough oddball characters, moments, and surprises to never be totally boring.

September 6th, 2015 - Hollows Grove (2014)

Found Footage is amongst the least-respected of all horror sub-genres, and the ghost hunting film is probably a big reason for that. I mean, all you really need to make a crummy ghost hunting film is a camera and access to an old, shitty building. A solid concept and good filmmaking skills are usually optional. It's been done to death, and generally not with the best results. As I approach a full year on this movie-a-day project and I'm looking back at what I've watched, of the (many) ghost hunting movies I've seen, I can't think of one that I could enthusiastically recommend. And maybe only one or two that I'd shrug my shoulders at. Why do I keep watching these things?

Anyways, Hollows Grove is pretty good as far as these types of things go. It's average at best for a "normal" movie, but it's pretty easily in the upper echelon of FF ghost hunter flicks. So if you're into that sort of thing, or you're like me and just feel strangely compelled to watch whatever you can, it's worth checking out.

September 5th, 2015 - Who Saw Her Die? (1972)

We saw her die. But we didn't see who did it. Who Saw Her Die? is pretty standard as far as the whodunit angle goes, but it really succeeds in being disconcerting by virtue of two things... (1) the age of "her" (the film is about child murders), and (2) the intense, choir-filled score by Ennio Morricone. It gets all reverby and crazy, and when combined with the subject matter makes the film absolutely chilling at times.

I guess this whole write-up will more or less constitute a spoiler - so if you want to see a pretty creepy and effective giallo, just check it out.

September 4th, 2015 - Ninja Zombies (2011)

From the time I purchased this DVD (for $1.50 - big ups to Family Video in Worthington, MN!) until the moment the title screen came up, I *swore* this thing was "Ninja vs. Zombies." Which would have been an entirely different - and probably better - film. I was hoping for some nice solid ninja action; maybe some well choreographed splatter and some decent fight scenes. But nope, we've got Ninja Zombies: a really cheap-looking and amateurish "bromaction horror comedy" (their term, not mine) that isn't as clever as it thinks it is. I mean, Lloyd Kaufman is involved in an extended cameo, so I guess cheapness shouldn't be a surprise. In fact his pull quote on the DVD box - "better than Avatar" - is literally my favorite thing about the film. Ninja Zombies wallows a little too much in it's low budgetness - and it just isn't funny enough, or well-acted enough, or compelling enough to get over the fact that it's just plain bad. I know low-budget/Troma-inspired films like this are an acquired taste, and seem to be very hit or miss depending on the viewer. This one was a miss for me.

Ninja Zombies is about a nerd named Dameon - you know he's a nerd right of the bat because he's got an anime poster up in his room, a Serenity DVD under his alarm clock, and he hosts a (terrible) youtube show where him and his nerdy friend debate nerdy stuff. Nerd. Anyways, he starts having terrible nightmares about some ninja stuff, and comes to find out that he is a part of a long line of protectors of a magic sword (I'm ad-libbing here). A sword that some ancient/immortal Ninja warlord wants to steal. Apparently, the sword just been hanging out in his basement for several years - it's just now that's he's turned 25 that he has (magically?) received a scroll telling him of his destiny: to protect the sword from the Ninja warlord.

September 3rd, 2015 - The House of Seven Corpses (1974)

The House of Seven Corpses is about as good of a movie as you could hope for where nothing really happens in the first hour. It's never really a boring film, but when you look back it's actually kind of amazing how little actually occurs in the first two acts. And it doesn't make up for it with a crazy ending either... the ending is perfectly acceptable and in line with what you'd expect from a mid-70's horror film, but nothing to write home about. But in spite of it's relative slowness, The House of Seven Corpses ends up being a pretty easy watch. Just be prepared for a lot of waiting for something to happen.

Our groovy opening credits show a bunch of the former occupants of the house dying. I wasn't counting, but I'm going to go ahead and guess there were seven of them. It's a nice opening sequence - you get some 70's gore right out of the gate, and there is a stylish color scheme that accompanies each death. You never really see the culprit(s), and it's implied that there is something supernatural going on in some of the deaths. For instance, a former owner was found in a noose hanging from a giant chandelier, but no one is sure how she got there.

September 2nd, 2015 - Area 51 (2015)

As an ardent supporter/apologist for the Paranormal Activity franchise, I was very curious to see what writer/director Oren Peli would do next. Rumors of a follow-up started circulating in 2009 - like Paranormal Activity, but with aliens? Sounds iffy, but I knew it would be something I'd watch when I got the chance. But the film just kept getting delayed again and again... and not because the CIA got involved saying the it gave away too many dastardly government secrets (although that would have been a good internet rumor to start, in my opinion). It sounds like the delay was more due to "this movie sucks, we need rewrites and reshoots." So after about six years (production started in Fall of 2009, rewrites in 2011, reshoots in 2013), Area 51 got a limited release in the Spring of 2015. And it just recently popped up on Netflix and Amazon Prime, where I assume a lot of folks like myself who have been not-very-anxiously awaiting the film will check it out.

Like most films that get delayed for long periods of time for rewrites/reshoots, Area 51 just isn't all that good. You kind of know you're in trouble right away, as our three main characters are all pretty bland. They aren't super annoying, but they aren't particularly likable either. They are introduced at a party, where I guess we're supposed to be charmed by their drunken antics, but ultimately you are just kind of biding your time until they get to the alien stuff. Which actually comes about rather quickly. Group leader Reid disappears from the party shortly after being seen creepily standing outside and staring off into space. Darrin and Ben (the other two guys) assume he just went home with some lady, but as they (probably drunk) drive home they almost hit a blank-faced Reid standing in the middle of the street.

September 1st, 2015 - Dracula 3000 (2004)

Or Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness, according to this screenshot and absolutely nowhere else.

I wanted to celebrate my return after my August Hiatus with something solid. Or at the very least, something entertaining. And if you want a little peek into my thought process: I saw the cast of Dracula 3000 - Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Tiny "Zeus" Lister, and Coolio - and thought "I should probably watch this." Impulsive? Sure. And while Dracula 3000 is definitely a terrible movie, it flirts with being bad enough to almost be worth watching. It's not so bad it's good - but it's pretty close. It's kind of charming in how shitty it is... like a bad SyFy movie before they became self aware.