December 2nd, 2015 - Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood (2012)

Robin Hood: the Ghost of Sherwood just might be the stupidest movie I've ever seen. It's just unrelentingly dumb on so many levels. Not only do character's motivations change at random... the actors actually playing the characters change! They try to cover it up with some magic potion hogwash... although I suspect they changed everything so they could have Tom Savini in their movie. (Suspiciously, the "potioned" characters only appear in scenes with him.) I like Tom Savini just fine, but I don't think he's worth completely scheduling your film around, you know? And also - bad direction, bad script, bad action, bad ADR... and it's WAY too long (at nearly 2 hours). It's poorly done at literally every level.

November 28th, 2015 - The Pyramid (2013)

When a horror film is called The Pyramid, I think it's a generally safe to assume the plot of the film will involve people going into a pyramid, and things not going as planned. Like yesterday's The Pyramid, for example. But today's The Pyramid, despite suspiciously similar title artwork, is not about that. (Although in The Pyramid's defense, I think you are pretty much obligated to highlight the "A" if you are designing that title.) The actual pyramid here is a little knickknack. It's like a crappy version of the little puzzle thing from Hellraiser. And it unleashes pure evil, which is obviously problematic for whoever has it in their possession.

But this The Pyramid uses this framework to sort of have a connected anthology. It's four stories are about how this little knickknack affects the people who have it... how it magically uses them to do it's evil bidding. And maybe even take over the world! As much as a semi-sentient little toyshop pyramid can, anyways.

November 18th, 2015 - Curse of the Cannibal Confederates (1982)

Like Croaked: Frog Monster From Hell, Curse of the Cannibal Confederates (originally known as Curse of the Screaming Dead) has the dubious distinction of being named as one of the five worst films in the entire Troma library by founder Lloyd Kaufman. And also like Croaked, Curse is a rough-looking, amateurish, regional horror film that is not a "good" film by any means, but one that I found charming nonetheless.

Here's the scoop. Six friends who don't really seem to like each other (three guys and their girlfriends) are heading out on a camping trip. They end up lost in the woods and come across an old church/graveyard - and as you can guess, there are Confederate soldiers buried there. One guy (whose main trait is that he steals things) finds an old journal laying about and takes it. This greatly angers the dead soldiers, as they rise from the grave and go after our heroes in typical early 80s gut muncher style.

October 22nd, 2015 - Stalled (2013)

Stalled has a very simple premise: zombie apocalypse, from the view of a guy is stuck in a bathroom stall. And it's certainly not overly complicated - it sticks to that premise (aside from a brief hallucinatory number) until the very end of the film. But surprisingly, it moves pretty fast and doesn't drag as much as one might expect from the one-note premise. There is a bit of a cheat - one (mostly unseen) person is also stuck in the same bathroom with our hero. But I'll give that a pass... without that there would be literally nothing for our hero to do. Anyways, the bulk of the film is the two of them talking - giving each other a hard time and getting to know each other while gut-munchers continue to fill up the bathroom.

The premise pretty much sums it up. But to go into a little more detail... sad sack janitor W.C. is working during the big office Christmas party, and is fixing something in the women's room. And since he's a little pervy, when someone comes in to use the facilities, he hides in one of the stalls. And when another woman comes in and the two start to make out, ol' W.C. thinks he's witnessing a pervy Christmas miracle. (Having actually written this down I really wish Stalled would have starred the Ghetto Heisman himself - rapper WC from the Westside Connection.)

October 17th, 2015 - Revenge of the Living Zombies (1988)

aka Revenge of the Living Zombies on my VHS copy

Whelp - Revenge of the Living Zombies sure is a zombie movie. Provided your definition of "zombie movie" doesn't include things like interesting characters or an engaging plot. Bottom line, it delivers the requisite zombie goods and nothing else. You get some solid late-80s gore effects and lots of the undead shambling around. So if that's all you want, you'll be fine. Honestly, I expected it to be terrible... and *no* story is better than a terrible story, right?

Anyways, before being retitled, the film was called FleshEater. It was written/directed by and "stars" Bill Hinzman, who managed to build a career out of being (arguably) the most recognizable zombie from Night of the Living Dead. Hinzman is the titular FleshEater, who is released from his grave when a farmer removes a stump and reveals some weird satanic stone alongside a locked coffin. Of course, he opens the coffin, and who should be inside but the FleshEater himself. The FleshEater bites the farmer (as zombies are wont to do), and the undead plague begins.

September 24th, 2015 - Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2014)

Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies is a shitty, shitty movie. Shocking, right? It seems like it was made solely to cash in on less-than-discerning and/or stupid wrestling fans (I may be both of those things) who just see a couple of big names and check it out. And I guess this does have a decent cast of rasslers. If you don't listen to me and see this film, you'll get to see "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Matt Hardy, Reby Sky, some (presumably) well-known indie names, and a cameo by the Olympic Champion himself Kurt Angle. (Who incidentally is one of my all time favorites, but after this and River of Darkness seems to be movie poison.) Pro wrestlers are seen as not being good actors - and no one here does anything to dispel that. Not that the script ever gives them anything "actorly" to do. Lest you forget, it's called Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper is the exception and has a significant role - he *almost* manages to pull the film up from the muck on the sheer strength of his charisma and innate likability. But not even "Hot Rod" (Rest in Peace) can make this thing watchable.

The main gist of the story? "The Franchise" Shane Douglas (who is also listed as a producer) is kind of a dick, and seemingly kills a guy in the ring on purpose with a piledriver. I think because he saw his opponent making out with his lady before the match? Anyways, Douglas seems to be in the hero role, but writer-director Cody Knotts makes the interesting choice to make him and unlikable asshole. I mean, save Hacksaw and Roddy Piper, every name wrestler in this film seems like a hateful idiot. Not what you really want from you "star," I think.

September 4th, 2015 - Ninja Zombies (2011)

From the time I purchased this DVD (for $1.50 - big ups to Family Video in Worthington, MN!) until the moment the title screen came up, I *swore* this thing was "Ninja vs. Zombies." Which would have been an entirely different - and probably better - film. I was hoping for some nice solid ninja action; maybe some well choreographed splatter and some decent fight scenes. But nope, we've got Ninja Zombies: a really cheap-looking and amateurish "bromaction horror comedy" (their term, not mine) that isn't as clever as it thinks it is. I mean, Lloyd Kaufman is involved in an extended cameo, so I guess cheapness shouldn't be a surprise. In fact his pull quote on the DVD box - "better than Avatar" - is literally my favorite thing about the film. Ninja Zombies wallows a little too much in it's low budgetness - and it just isn't funny enough, or well-acted enough, or compelling enough to get over the fact that it's just plain bad. I know low-budget/Troma-inspired films like this are an acquired taste, and seem to be very hit or miss depending on the viewer. This one was a miss for me.

Ninja Zombies is about a nerd named Dameon - you know he's a nerd right of the bat because he's got an anime poster up in his room, a Serenity DVD under his alarm clock, and he hosts a (terrible) youtube show where him and his nerdy friend debate nerdy stuff. Nerd. Anyways, he starts having terrible nightmares about some ninja stuff, and comes to find out that he is a part of a long line of protectors of a magic sword (I'm ad-libbing here). A sword that some ancient/immortal Ninja warlord wants to steal. Apparently, the sword just been hanging out in his basement for several years - it's just now that's he's turned 25 that he has (magically?) received a scroll telling him of his destiny: to protect the sword from the Ninja warlord.

July 28th, 2015 - Gatekeeper (2008)

Gatekeeper is not very good, but it's pretty hard to hate entirely. It's clearly a very, very cheap independent film, and it has the feel of a group of friends saying "hey guys, let's make a movie!" Ignoring the fact that they may not have the resources to make it happen. While it's pretty bad all the way around, there is a certain charm to it, and it doesn't feel like anyone involved is treating it like a joke. But that still doesn't make it worth watching. And honestly, it could have just been the accents (it's a Welsh film) that made me *kind of* want to give it a pass. Something of this caliber in American English may have left me with a very different impression. Also, I can't figure out why there is picture of what seems to be the Gingerdead Man on the box art on Amazon...

Anyways, it's mainly about a group of hockey players traveling through the Welsh countryside. (Other than the fact that they have hockey sticks, their profession has no bearing on things whatsoever.) They get in a car crash - maybe the worst I've ever seen on film - with a couple of military types who happen to be escorting an ultra badass soldier who went AWOL. (Of course, from that car only AWOL guy survives - luckily for the hockey team, he's actually a good guy.) One dude who lives in town is trying to help, and gets run down and injured by *another* car, driven by a douchey guy and a girl on their first date.

July 21st, 2015 - Terror-Creatures from the Grave (1965)

So that's a pretty good title. The actual film isn't as goofy as the title makes it sound though. It's a mostly seriously told story of revenge... from beyond the grave! Terror-Creatures is not an outstanding film - it's a little sloppy at times and feels a bit hastily put together. (And hastily dubbed.) But considering the source (Pure Terror Budget Set) I have to look at it as a nice surprise.

Terror-Creatures mostly takes place on an estate in a small town at an undetermined (for me) time. Telephones are considered new technology, for what it's worth. 1930's, maybe? If you can figure out when "getting an owl stuck in the engine" (?) was a common car problem, maybe you can figure it out. Anyways, it's about Albert, a lawyer who gets a letter from Count Hauff to help him get his will in order. When Albert arrives at Hauff's estate, he is welcomed by the Count's daughter Corrine and his wife Cleo (Barbara Steele)... and they inform him that the Count has been dead for nearly a year to the day. The letter clearly had the Count's seal on it... so what gives?

July 11th, 2015 - Raw Force (1982)

Okay, this is the second day in a row where I'm not totally convinced that I watched a horror film. But Raw Force is also known as Kung Fu Cannibals, and does in fact have zombie martial artists and monks that barbecue and eat women. So I guess it counts.

And unlike yesterday's film of questionable horror vintage (Virgin Witch), Raw Force is a heck of a lot of fun. I mean, it's really quite stupid, but its goofy tone and the way it revels in its exploitation roots makes it quite entertaining. It's a hefty helping of early 80's action cheese with a significant grindhouse/sleazy vibe. It's not going to win anyone over who isn't into dumb 80's movies, but it works as a fun, trashy, and dumb action film - if you're into that sort of thing.

July 1st, 2015 - Zombie Nation (2005)

Really, really, really bad. For some reason (maybe in an attempt to thwart screencappers everywhere) the title is broken up into several parts. This is the one that best sums up my feelings toward the film. The whole thing just felt so cynical - there *clearly* isn't enough in the budget to make a decent movie... so just don't try! But I guess enough suckers (i.e. me) will watch it if you have good (and misleading) enough cover art, so I'm sure this pile turned a profit. Just throw "zombie" in the title and people will watch it. But man, from the bad acting, to the terrible sets (like, the *worst* I've ever seen), and the general "who gives a shit" attitude of the whole thing - it's just kind of a despicable film in every respect.

I mean, everything in here is so, so bad that it's hard to even know where to start. It's tempting to just make a list and call it a day. (And people have, check imdb. It's pretty damned funny. And really long.) But cripes, I may as well try...

June 24th, 2015 - 13 Eerie (2013)

When you hear "Eerie" in a title, you think of ghosts and paranormal shenanigans. At least, if you think like me. What you do *not* think of is rage-zombie action. But that's what you get here. And 13 Eerie is a perfectly competent zombie film - it's got quality effects and a good basic premise. But ultimately there isn't really enough to make it stand out from the pack of "okay zombie films." So while it's still a cut above the bulk of zombie schlock out there, it's nothing I'll probably ever look back fondly on.

It does have an interesting set up though. It centers on a group of forensic science students, vying for an internship (or something). They've been brought out to an isolated abandoned prison by their professor, who has stashed three bodies out on the prison grounds. The students are broken up into three teams of two to go out and investigate the bodies, run some forensic tests, etc. It's kind of nice, because of the nature of the job, our group is not easily scared and is relatively smart. You get the chance to not only see some cool science stuff, but also the opportunity to get into some pretty nasty effects work.

June 1st, 2015 - Zombie Lake (1981)

Zombie Lake is not a very good movie. It is only occasionally interesting - every once in a while there is a disorienting, just plain "off" vibe that is intriguing. But mostly, it's pretty stagnant and unexciting. The gore is pretty weak, as is the story - not that it's incoherent. It just feels like there was the bare minimum of effort put in to even *tell* a story. And the zombie makeup is borderline unacceptable. (I don't know who you report crappy zombie makeup to, but consider yourself warned, Zombie Lake.) There is a surprising amount of nudity though (all female, of course). Maybe the idea was to try and distract you from its many faults? Which may or may not work, depending how you feel about that sort of thing.

The film is about about a lake with some zombies in it. They got there "during the war" when some French villagers ambushed and killed a half-dozen German soldiers. The villagers didn't want any other Germans rolling through and torching the place, so they decided to hide the bodies by tossing them into a nearby lake. And now, "ten years later," they're back. (I had this pegged as taking place in the 70's, what with the technology and the cars, but if you believe the film it must be the 50s.) There's no reason given for the zombies' return - no toxic waste dumping or weirdo cult stuff - they're just rising from their watery grave and killing people. Although the lake has a bad reputation (it's even known locally as the "Lake of the Damned") so it's unclear if this has been an issue before. Look, a lot of Zombie Lake is unclear, all right? You just have to roll with it.

May 13th, 2015 - Kill Zombie! (2012)

Kill Zombie! is a fun-enough Dutch zom-com thats got a lot of energy and some decent laughs/gags. There is a lot of zombie gore - although the blood is green after a person is infected - but ultimately the zombies are a little too ineffective to ever really be terrifying. But still, as a zom-com it mostly works. Although the title still throws me off - I keep reading it as an order to a zombie from its owner. Unless the idea is to do sequels with the same zany tone but with different monsters... the way this one ends is a pretty clear setup for Kill Vampire!

It's about an office drone named Aziz. His "dream girl" works along side of him, and after months of pining after her, she approaches him and asks him out on a date. This doesn't sit well with his jealous boss, who promptly fires Aziz. (It's easier to fire people in Amsterdam, I guess.) Aziz goes to hang out with his brother Mo - a big-talking goofball of a guy who is always cooking up a get rich quick scheme. They're at a party hosted by some rich guy (apparently there are a lot of Dutch celebrities in this thing - although the potential cameos were lost on me), and Mo accidentally causes a ruckus when he knocks out a supermodel with a volleyball. This causes rich guy's two bodyguards to chase after them, and shortly thereafter all four of them are in jail, hurling insults at each other from separate cells. And that's when the zombie shit goes down.

April 21st, 2015 - Buck Wild (2013)

I wasn't totally sure what I was getting into with Buck Wild. The cover art (featuring a dirty, bloody guy with bad teeth looking through binoculars) would lead you to believe that it's a backwoods cannibal flick. The Netflix synopsis says it's about a Chupacabra virus. And imdb says the story is "A hunting vacation goes awry for 4 friends after they accidentally shoot the lease land's owner." These are all technically true, but why not just say "small town zom-com" and be done with it?

Buck Wild is the sort of movie where the characters are just loud. Not that they are yelling all of the time, but everyone has a defining characteristic that is obnoxiously amped up to 11. As in, the smarmy asshole guy is a HUGE ASSHOLE, the crazy gun nut is Taxi Driver-times ten crazy, etc. Other than our main guy, nobody in the film behaves remotely like a real person. Our four friends are: Craig (the normal one), Tom (the ultra sensitive one), Lance (the Big Time Asshole), and Craig's cousin Jerry (the crazy one). The first hurdle to clear is the fact that it doesn't seem like these guys would be friends in the least. Actually, it's hard to imagine that they would be friends with *anyone* - they are that annoying.

March 16th, 2015 - The Dead (2010)

The Dead is another title that kept coming up in conversations about recent zombie movies that don't suck. There are just so damned many bad ones now. So it's nice to come across one that gives you something to chew on... in the tradition of the great zombie films, this is one that you can enjoy either as a gory free-for-all or for the political/sociological themes. But why not both?

It's a pretty straight forward story (the good ones usually are). After a brief opening scene featuring a couple of zombies meandering in the desert, we are thrust into a plane where a handful of Americans are attempting to get out of Africa, as a zombie virus has spread there and things are quickly spiraling out of control. (I suppose I don't really need to tell you how these things work...) They had to leave a little bit ahead of schedule, and unfortunately, the plane was not ready to fly and crashes into the ocean. Our only survivor is Brian Murphy (Rob Freeman), an Army engineer - he manages to get some of the supplies from the plane and arms himself with a pistol. He manages to evade the zombies and get to an old beaten up truck, which he fixes and drives off - I guess he figures being in a car is better than being on foot. Eventually, he crosses paths with Daniel Dembele (Prince David Oseia), a sergeant in the local army who has abandoned his post in hopes of finding his family. Together, they navigate the harsh African landscape (I'm not sure if they ever specifically mention a country), made even more harsh by the hordes of undead. 

March 10th, 2015 - Revenge of the Living Dead Girls (1987)

I watched The Living Dead Girl a few weeks ago and enjoyed it. It was a solid, art-housey zombie flick that worked well for me. Shortly thereafter, in an unrelated search I came across Revenge of the Living Dead Girls. It turns out the two are completely unrelated - despite the similar title, Revenge has no pretensions of being artsy, or really being all that scary. It was promoted as being France's first gore film, and the gore aspect here is okay. Much of the promotional materials/reviews focus on the zombie-sexpots and the gratuitous 80s nudity, so if that's your thing you won't be terribly disappointed. But to really enjoy Revenge of the Living Dead Girls, you'd have to be a huge fan of being confused, because there is very little that makes sense here.

For the record, I was debating on just making this entry a list of unanswered questions - logic is not this movies strong suite. Sometimes, if the vibe of the film is right, being confusing can be kind of fun. You can just get lost in the story and/or the visuals and enjoy it. But Revenge of the Living Dead Girls just completely disregards any sort of rationality, and there isn't enough pizzazz in the proceedings to let you give it a pass. It doesn't look particularly good, the characters kind of suck, and it's rather boringly shot. Yes, there is plenty of gore and plenty of nudity. But you need *something* to hang your hat on, you know?

February 23rd, 2015 - The Living Dead Girl (1982)

I'm not super familiar with director Jean Rollin's films, other than the fact that they are usually pretty surreal, lush-looking, uh... French, and not afraid of the nudity. And The Living Dead Girl fits right in with that (rudimentary) understanding of the man's work. And now, I'd probably add disturbingly gory in a low-fi way to that list. But it all comes together really well here.

The Living Dead Girl kicks off with a couple of shady fellows trying to stash some barrels of chemical waste in an underground chamber. They must moonlight as grave robbers as well, because one of them knows that a wealthy mother and her daughter are there - not buried though, their coffins are just sitting in an adjoining room. So they break into the graves and begin stealing riches from the bejeweled corpses. Then a tremor knocks over a barrel of waste (with a convenient tap on the side), which starts to leak out. Unfortunately for the grave robbers, it's the kind of chemical waste that brings the dead back to life! Only the daughter however - she's in her 20s and is strangely un-decomposed, considering she's been dead for a couple of years. She can't really talk or anything - she just wanders around with a blank stare and kills people (her zombie powers allow her to just jam her fingers into people's flesh). She makes quick work of the grave robbers and begins to wander back to the nearby castle where she grew up.

February 20th, 2015 - The Battery (2012)

I remember hearing a lot about The Battery when it first came out in 2012. Zombie fever was at an all time (obnoxious) high. Zombies had hit the mainstream in a big way, and movie after movie after movie was coming out with very little new or exciting to offer. The Battery works so well because it's a decidedly different take on the zombie apocalypse - it's much more of a character-driven film. There isn't much by way of gut-munching or head splodin' action. Instead, you get an up close and personal look at two people who are dealing with the loneliness and isolation that comes from being two of the last people on earth. The Battery is more concerned with the tension that comes from that mental strain, rather than your typical "we're trapped and zombies are everywhere!" scenario. And because of that, it's much more relatable, and to me, more realistic - everyone has felt alone or hopeless at sometime, right?

Ben (writer-director Jeremy Gardner) and Mickey (Adam Cronheim) are two survivors of an unseen (and mostly undiscussed) zombie apocalypse. You never really figure out just what happened, but you know that these two are amongst the very last non-infected people on the planet. Their plan is to keep moving through the countryside - they figure they are less likely to get attacked if they stay on the move. Ben takes a more proactive approach, playing the alpha of the pair - he's a survivalist type who seems to enjoy foraging for food/supplies and smashing skulls in. Mickey is the more sensitive of the two, and is having trouble adjusting to this new world - he mostly just further isolates himself by listening to his discman and sulking.

February 17th, 2015 (Trip Day 11) - Vengeance of the Zombies (1973)

Trip Day 11.