Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies is a shitty, shitty movie. Shocking, right? It seems like it was made solely to cash in on less-than-discerning and/or stupid wrestling fans (I may be both of those things) who just see a couple of big names and check it out. And I guess this does have a decent cast of rasslers. If you don't listen to me and see this film, you'll get to see "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Matt Hardy, Reby Sky, some (presumably) well-known indie names, and a cameo by the Olympic Champion himself Kurt Angle. (Who incidentally is one of my all time favorites, but after this and River of Darkness seems to be movie poison.) Pro wrestlers are seen as not being good actors - and no one here does anything to dispel that. Not that the script ever gives them anything "actorly" to do. Lest you forget, it's called Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper is the exception and has a significant role - he *almost* manages to pull the film up from the muck on the sheer strength of his charisma and innate likability. But not even "Hot Rod" (Rest in Peace) can make this thing watchable.
The main gist of the story? "The Franchise" Shane Douglas (who is also listed as a producer) is kind of a dick, and seemingly kills a guy in the ring on purpose with a piledriver. I think because he saw his opponent making out with his lady before the match? Anyways, Douglas seems to be in the hero role, but writer-director Cody Knotts makes the interesting choice to make him and unlikable asshole. I mean, save Hacksaw and Roddy Piper, every name wrestler in this film seems like a hateful idiot. Not what you really want from you "star," I think.
Anyways, the brother of the wrestler killed by Douglas is hungry for revenge. So, rather than just, you know... killing him, he gets involved with some cult/murder shit and raises an army of the undead. Who he then instructs to gather at an abandoned prison. A prison where he has lured Douglas and other pro wrestling luminaries by paying big money to a promoter to faux-book a private show. (Incidentally, the stack of money he is laughably small. It doesn't have to be real - just cut up some paper!) Again, instead of, you know... just killing him. So after about 30-40 minutes of terrible character building (and building terrible characters - save "Hot Rod"), the movie makes good on the promise of its title. The rest of the film is about an hours worth of poorly choreographed action and incomprehensible chase scenes until the stupid thing is over.
Dumb wrestling and horror stuff aside, the film just has no sense of pacing, continuity, or even how to piece together a simple chase scene. People are running around the jail in a group - until they just aren't. You get no sense of the geography/layout of the prison. The action just bounces from one random room to another. The action is pretty wrestling move heavy, but what would work in a match doesn't look all that convincing in a zombie fight. The Olympic Slam, for instance, seems like it would be pretty much worthless. Maybe the Heart Punch would work... that move is awesome!
Most of what passes for action here is junk, and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the zombies behavior. Sometimes they attack one at a time, sometimes as a group, sometimes in waves. And they're kind of fast zombies (more Rage than Romero), except when they're just waiting around for some wrestler to punch them.
There's some okay-ish gore... including a sacrifice scene that made me a little uncomfortable (and honestly felt out of place with the "fun" vibe the film seemed to be going for). For the sacrifice to raise the undead, the bad guy kidnaps a woman, and ties her up while she's screaming. He proceeds to grope her for a little bit before cutting her stomach-heart out with a big curved blade. (For some reason, torture scenes in indie horror get under my skin much more easily than the big budget/more polished ones.) But there's nothing in Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies that's even close to tense or scary - it's just too overall incompetent for that.
The most impressive thing about the film is that there really are a *lot* of zombies. Some of them have rather weak makeup, but I'd bet there's at least 100+ zombie extras. This was probably filmed at the highlight of zombiemania, so I wouldn't be surprised if people were stoked enough to do it for free. Or they probably could have charged people for the "privilege" of meeting rasslers and being in zombie movie.
Overall, Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies is a crushingly bad movie. I guess it didn't help that I had to watch it on my five-year wedding anniversary. (I mean, I didn't *have* to, but that's just how it worked out.) I could have been doing awesome and fun anniversary stuff, but thanks to my strange commitment to this project, I was stuck watching Matt Hardy grossly make out and simulate sex. Eww.
I would under no circumstances recommend this film
(And seriously, how lucky am I to have such an awesome wife to put up with shit like Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies? I mean, she didn't watch it - I wouldn't do that to her. But still. I love you babe!)
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