River of Darkness is a really, really shitty movie. If you told me that before I watched it, there's no way I would have believed you. I mean, check this out: (my favorite) professional wrestler Kurt Angle stars as a small town sheriff investigating several gruesome murders. It turns out they are being committed by three vengeance seeking ghosts who kill their victims in slasher fashion! Oh, and two of these three axe-wielding ghosts are none other than pro-wrestling's "Psycho" Sid Vicious and "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash! HOW COULD ANYTHING GO WRONG!
Well, for starters, it's poorly made and really boring. Even though the synopsis sounds really awesome, it's executed very poorly. River of Darkness looks cheap and is very blandly shot, and a lot of the scenes just sort of linger on for much longer than they need to. Most of the film's boring, poorly acted conversations take place in drab, visually uninteresting locations. Plus, some of the editing choices are baffling. You get a lot of scenes where it looks like the people must have not been on set on the same day, but then at the very end you'll see they were. What the H.?
Most of the plot/mystery is revealed in the most boring way possible - one (really old) character just telling it all to Sheriff Angle. The ghosts are just sort of there and don't really do anything cool. And for being billed on the cover, Sid Vicious and Kevin Nash are hardly in it at all! I don't really even like those guys, but if you're going to have them in your movie at least have them do something.
A lot of the reviews I checked out really piled on the acting - and yeah, it's bad. Kurt Angle is not a very good actor, but I don't pin it 100% on him. The script (by writer-director-lots of other stuff-er Bruce Koehler) is just as boring as everything else. Sheriff Angle's catchphrase might as well be "I've never seen anything like it," because that's all he really does/says at the crime scenes. Beside gawk at the bodies. I mean, Angle probably would have mangled good dialogue, but this stuff isn't doing him any favors. Even the non-wrestling performances are pretty bad - so maybe this is the kind of film that was just destined to have bad acting from the get go.
There's this bizarre religious twist to it too. Somehow, River of Darkness equates believing in ghosts with believing in God. Some guy asks Sheriff Angle if he's a religious man - because he'd better be if he wants to explain what he's about to see. I don't know a ton of religious people, but the few devout Christians I know would probably scoff if I asked them if they believed in ghosts. There's also some hogwash about God letting souls free 30 years after the did to avenge their deaths. Seriously! Not sure where that is in the bible... Also, Angle confronts a "crazy" lady in a church as she warns him about the violence that is about to erupt in town. So I guess the Catholic Church is into axe-wielding ghosts now? And what kind of ghost carries an axe anyways?
Horror-wise? Much like the rest of the film, its pretty bad. You get some fake blood dripping onto the ground, and a couple of bodies are shown tied up and mutilated. (That part is all right, actually.) The ghost makeup isn't anything special, and there isn't much tension in the film at all. I guess they kill a kid offscreen - so that's admirable. Also, there is a really stupid ending that I guess is supposed to be a reveal but is just unnecessary. Also, the epilogue and prologue are pointless.
But that's the M.O. for River of Darkness, I guess. I was really excited when this showed up on Amazon Prime, but it's so bad it kind of makes you angry. I rolled my eyes, sighed a lot, and even yelled at the screen on more than one occasion. I expect FAR MORE from my wrestling-horror movies! The only thing that is letting this avoid the "terrible" tag is the wrestlers involved. Even though they're bad in it, it's still fun to see them. I will *always* watch a movie starring professional wrestlers. It is my curse.
(Also, I know Angle's name in the movie is Will Logan, but calling him Sheriff Angle is all the enjoyment I could wring out of this thing, okay?)
I would definitely not recommend this film.
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