I've watched a lot of bad movies in my life, and while I don't think Satan's Touch was the worst, it has to be the most boring. It has next to nothing to do with Satan, or even horror. That little green sticker is a lie! It's a shitty movie about old unattractive people gambling in Vegas. It looks terrible, is super dry, and most damning, nothing exciting really ever happens. The closest you get to excitement? A guy falls through a table full of knickknacks... breathtaking. If you believe imdb, Satan's Touch was directed by a 75-year old man making his feature film debut. Sounds about right.
Honestly, the way I see it? Some people made a shitty drama about a guy with a lucky streak who wins a lot gambling in Vegas. Then, once they realized the movie sucked, they threw in some Satan business and shot an extra minute or two of new footage, and horror fans in video store across the land were bamboozled by cool title, rad cover art, and the most misleading plot synopsis I've ever come across. By the way, my copy is a VHS tape that I got about 15 years ago from a Video Update store closing sale. I've moved this damned thing like 6 times. And I can honestly say that it's the first time I've ever owned a movie that, after watching it, I wanted to just throw it away. I resisted that temptation and will probably keep it (for some reason). As far as I can tell, it's not available in any other format. And honestly, I'd feel bad for anyone who would spend the time to transfer it.
It's about a grandpa-looking dad named Jim in the small town of Crocus Hill, Iowa. Jim runs a grocery store, and one day after chastising an old lady for shoplifting, she says "the Devil made me do it." Jim is all "don't blame the Devil - it's his job to tempt you!" The prompts "Satan" (some disco looking guy with a gold chain and unbuttoned shirt) - or rather, some lame super-imposed footage of "Satan" - to say "I like this Jim guy! I'm going to give him a bunch of luck!" Jim promptly wins a trip to Las Vegas and wins on every single bet he places. Apparently, Satan wants to see if Jim is corrupted by all of the money, or something. But I guess Satan doesn't care all that much, because he pretty much vanishes from the film at this point, and we pretty much just hang out with Jim while he keeps winning.
To help keeps things "exciting," we are treated to the inner workings of this shitty casino. There is some uninteresting stuff about a machine not paying off (due to a government study?) and some other uninteresting stuff about a statistician that is hired by the Stan Lee-esque pit boss to figure out why Jim keeps winning. Because nothing spells cinematic gold like Statistics! Probably the most interesting thing is that Satan's Touch features the same scam used in Office Space, where some shady employee is having fractions of a cent from each transaction sent to a foreign bank account. So maybe Mike Judge was one of the unfortunate souls to see Satan's Touch when it originally came out. Also, the pit-boss tries to blackmail Jim by videotaping him with a hooker that he sent up to his room. They do not have sex, they sleep in separate beds... but they *do* have breakfast together! Scandalous! (This, BTW, is enough to freak Jim out and leave the casino. Also, why didn't he question why some strange woman was just hanging out in his room?)
What does this have to do with Satan? Or more appropriately, his touch? Great Question! I have never felt so tricked by a movie before. Here is the synopsis on the back of the box:
Jim Parrish makes the unfortunate mistake of defending the work of the Devil (he basically just says "he's supposed to tempt you"). As a reward from the Minister of Evil (some cheeseball disco guy), Jim is given a trip to Las Vegas (true), where all he can lose is his sanity (this doesn't even make sense). He is caught up in a bloody (there is not a drop of blood in this film) war between good and evil (no - there's the Devil, who helps Jim with *no* ill consequence... and he's not battling anyone) and forced to witness sadistic and bloody tortures (nope!), and the use of chemical weapons (one guy has a syringe of sodium pentothol) which can turn a man into a monster so grotesque (not true - there is no monster makeup nor a creature to be found) that the Devil abandons him (Jim loses one hand of poker intentionally, and the Devil says "forget this" and leaves - yep, that's the exciting climax).
So I just don't know who this is supposed to appeal to. The film itself may appeal to the elderly, and people who know the cast and crew. But the title Satan's Touch would likely scare them off. And anyone who sees a bloody woman with red eyes and a flaming pentagram and gets excited will surely be disappointed. It's crazy boring and not engaging in the least. There is no action, except for one poorly shot chase scene in a discotheque where Satan is DJ'ing, apparently (?) And as you would expect from reading this entry, the horror-elements of the thing are non-existent. The SUPER-cheesy music (complete with theme songs for both Vegas and Atlantic City) is far and away the most entertaining aspect of the film.
Satan's Touch was bad enough that it shook me a bit. It was one of those times where I just kind of sat there once it was done with a confused look on my face (with confusion and anger competing for superiority in my head). I was a little in awe of how committed it was being dull. I've never seen anything like it, and I hope I never do again.
I would not even entertain thoughts of ever, ever watching this film.
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