December 8th, 2015 - Pod (2015)

I liked Pod quite a bit. It's a cool story, and it's pretty intense but feels kind of minimalist at the same time. I think there is total cast of five? And the majority of it is just three characters - mentally-ill (or is he?) war vet Martin, his psychologist brother Ed, and their younger sister Lyla. Ed has gotten a creepy voicemail from Martin, who is living in an isolated cabin in the woods. Ed begrudgingly recruits Lyla to go up and check on their brother because it sounds like it "could be happening again." Apparently, Martin has been diagnosed with some sort of PTSD and paranoid schizophrenia, and while they thought things were under control, it sounds like the meds may not be working anymore.

When Ed and Lyla get to the house, it's in rough shape. All of the windows/doors are blocked off with foil, and the place is a total mess. And Martin is visibly NOT okay; he begins spouting off about super soldier programs and tests that were performed on him during the war, and how he's being tracked by the government. (He's even turned to self-mutilation to get the tracking devices out.) Oh, and he's got a pod in the basement (and not the storage kind - more like an egg). He claims it's from some strange creature that somehow ties in with his government conspiracy. And he begs Ed and Lyla not to go down there, no matter what happens.

December 2nd, 2015 - Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood (2012)

Robin Hood: the Ghost of Sherwood just might be the stupidest movie I've ever seen. It's just unrelentingly dumb on so many levels. Not only do character's motivations change at random... the actors actually playing the characters change! They try to cover it up with some magic potion hogwash... although I suspect they changed everything so they could have Tom Savini in their movie. (Suspiciously, the "potioned" characters only appear in scenes with him.) I like Tom Savini just fine, but I don't think he's worth completely scheduling your film around, you know? And also - bad direction, bad script, bad action, bad ADR... and it's WAY too long (at nearly 2 hours). It's poorly done at literally every level.

December 1st, 2015 - The Big Bad (2011)

The Big Bad is an intriguing indie film that occasionally comes close to being ruined by its own indie-ness. Visually the film can be pretty brutal (the first 20 or so minutes have this weird haze in the picture), and there are some performances that are bad/off enough that they threaten to derail the whole thing.  But there's enough zest and energy to things that it ends up mostly working, and it builds up a pretty interesting world for our hero Frankie to journey through.

It starts out kind of rough... You've got some pretty shaky camera work (and that weird haze) as Frankie goes about town, clearly looking for a dude. She settles into one of the diviest bars I've ever seen and sort of befriends this drug-addict lady, and they do the typical indie dramatic yammering thing for a while. After about 15 minutes, it's still not clear what the film even is or will be. A dark and dramatic character piece about these two? A crime thriller of sorts? I actually stopped it to make sure that this was a horror film about 15 minutes in. But what Netflix says, goes, so I continued on with the film.

November 24th, 2015 - Shrooms (2007)

Confession: I've never done mushrooms. If I ever do (even though at age 35 my "trying new substances" days are almost over), I hope there isn't some ghost/beast thing running around trying to kill me after I take them. That would suck. And I guess that's pretty much the story of Shrooms.

It's worth noting that Shrooms is NOT a comedy. I expected it to be an Evil Bong-ish silly drug misadventure (the likes of which are generally painfully unfunny), but Shrooms is far from it. It plays more like a grim n' gritty slasher than anything. Not a particularly good one, mind you, but still a step up from your average drug comedy.

November 19th, 2015 - Haunt (2014)

Haunt is frustratingly middle-of-the road. The story is decent, it's competently made, and it has a little style... but there's just nothing here to get excited about at all. There's nothing too good, but also nothing bad enough that you're either angry or entertained. Haunt is just there, hitting all the beats you expect it to and moving along at a fast enough pace to kill the time, but never doing anything too engaging. It's so average it's actually kind of impressive.

The Deal? There's this house... many people assume it's cursed, because the last family that lived there (and worked there - mom & dad had a pediatrician/dentist thing going on) had three children die under mysterious circumstances. And when dad dies during in the opening scene after talking into an old school radio-wave scanner (spirit box for all you Ghost Adventures nerds), mom decides it's time to high-tail it.

November 17th, 2015 - The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

Sorry really old people... you're inherently frightening. Particularly when you're all frail and fighting off a disease, as the titular Deborah Logan is here. (And I say this as (a) someone who will hopefully get the chance to be old and decrepit one day, and (b) had a close family member die of Alzheimer's. It's a shitty, shitty disease that this film portrays respectfully enough.) And maybe "inherently scary" isn't the right phrasing. It's one of those things where you're not scared of the thing, you're scared of becoming the thing. And if things go well (i.e. you don't die young) you will become it. So there's an extra layer of... hopeful inevitability there? I don't sit there watching Suburban Sasquatch worrying that I'll become bigfoot, you know?

Anyways, The Taking of Deborah Logan is a very effective mockumentary/found-footage jam, where a grad student is making a film for her thesis statement. The gist of it is something about the effects of Alzheimer's not only on the person suffering from the disease, but also on those close to them. Here, you've got Deborah rapidly deteriorating from the disease, while her daughter Sarah tries to take care of her. In her lucid moments, Deborah is not too keen on having a film crew around, but Sarah insists that they need the money to keep the house (as well as the assistance with the medical bills).

November 7th, 2015 - Harbinger Down (2015)

I remember coming across Harbinger Down on Kickstarter a couple of years ago. The gist of it was "hey, don't you hate all that CGI bullshit that's out there now? We'll here's you're chance to fund a monster movie dedicated to representing all practical effects!" Flash forward to November 2015, and it's finished and on Netflix. And to be honest, it's a little disappointing. It feels like a cheap, unsubtle The Thing rip-off, and while the monster stuff is okay, the design of it is so amorphous that you never really know what you're looking at. (I mean, you can tell it's practical, I guess. But as to what it's supposed to be... who knows?) I have no doubt that Harbinger Down has its heart in the right place... but the execution is lacking.

October 31st, 2015 - Last Shift (2014)

There's definitely some shared DNA between Last Shift and Let Us Prey (which was one of the more enjoyable flicks I watched in the last couple of months). Other than the plot similarities - female rookie cop encounters crazy shit on her first night on the job - they were also purchased by me shortly before they showed up for "free" on Netflix. With Last Shift, it was like the next day or two. Oh well. Both are definitely worth your time. I think I liked Let Us Prey a little more though.

But that's not to say that Last Shift isn't enjoyable. It's just a little less ambitious and a little more contained. Basically, we're with Officer Jessica Loren (Juliana Harkavy) on her first night on the job. Her assignment? Working the Last Shift at the old police station. There's a brand new station just a few blocks away, and all calls/emergencies have already been routed there. She's the only one in the building and is just there to make sure nothing crazy happens (oops! it does!) and to wait for the cleanup crew to show up and clear out the few remaining items.

October 22nd, 2015 - Stalled (2013)

Stalled has a very simple premise: zombie apocalypse, from the view of a guy is stuck in a bathroom stall. And it's certainly not overly complicated - it sticks to that premise (aside from a brief hallucinatory number) until the very end of the film. But surprisingly, it moves pretty fast and doesn't drag as much as one might expect from the one-note premise. There is a bit of a cheat - one (mostly unseen) person is also stuck in the same bathroom with our hero. But I'll give that a pass... without that there would be literally nothing for our hero to do. Anyways, the bulk of the film is the two of them talking - giving each other a hard time and getting to know each other while gut-munchers continue to fill up the bathroom.

The premise pretty much sums it up. But to go into a little more detail... sad sack janitor W.C. is working during the big office Christmas party, and is fixing something in the women's room. And since he's a little pervy, when someone comes in to use the facilities, he hides in one of the stalls. And when another woman comes in and the two start to make out, ol' W.C. thinks he's witnessing a pervy Christmas miracle. (Having actually written this down I really wish Stalled would have starred the Ghetto Heisman himself - rapper WC from the Westside Connection.)

October 15th, 2015 - Hardware (1990)

I've heard a lot about director Richard Stanley in the last year or so. The 2014 documentary about his ill-fated attempt at making The Island of Dr. Moreau (called Lost Soul) is supposed to be really good, and I'm looking forward to checking it out. And despite a small body of work (two feature films and several shorts), he's the type of filmmaker that often gets the "visionary" label. Before today, I had only seen Dust Devil (I really liked it), but now having seen Hardware (his first feature) as well, I'm on board with the "visionary" thing. While people have (maybe rightfully) criticized Hardware for being a bit boring in the story department, it's clear that the story/characters are not really where Stanley's interests lie. It's the kind of film that really bears the filmmaker's fingerprints... and in this case, those fingerprints are a unique post-apocalyptic/creepy vibe and generally drugged-out feeling. Hardware exists in a well-constructed universe - a grimy, cyberpunkish sort of place; one of the characters makes art from welding scraps of metal and old machinery together - that actually describes the tone of the film better than anything. And as weird as it sounds, that tone is the film's strength.

And, the gory bits. Gore is far from plentiful in Hardware, but when it hits, it counts. It was listed in the horror category on Netflix, but I usually see it classified as an action/thriller. And that sort of misses the point - if you go in expecting action and crazy set-pieces, you'll be disappointed. It doesn't seem like the budget was there to do anything too crazy action-wise, and at any rate it would feel out of place. That just isn't what the film *is* - and they wisely don't try to force anything where it doesn't fit.

October 10th, 2015 - Creep (2014)

Creep is a breath of fresh air as far as found footage horror films go. It's not dependent on a dilapidated building, or bumps in the night, or people getting dragged away from the camera by an unseen force. Instead, Creep focuses on the relationship between cameraman Aaron and his employer for a day (by virtue of a Craigslist ad) Josef. They are the only two people in the film, aside from some disembodied voices on the phone. And as you may have guessed, one of them is indeed a creep.

Aaron heads up to Josef's cabin to shoot a days worth of footage. Josef has terminal cancer and a pregnant wife, and has been inspired by the Michael Keaton movie My Life to make a video for his unborn child. Josef seems like kind of a weird dude. He invites Aaron to film him in the bath tub and is prone to hiding and jump-scaring Aaron (and by extension, us) at random times. But Aaron needs the money and probably feels a little sympathy for him. And the two even seem to have an okay time at some points throughout the day. But as the time comes for things to wrap up, things get weirder - and we make our way into full-fledged horror movie territory.

October 7th, 2015 - The Beast of Xmoor (2014)

Oh, The Beast of Xmoor... you weren't what I thought you'd be, and then you were something even more different. Let me explain - I had assumed we were talking about some sort of Bigfoot thing, or at least a monster. That's just where I automatically go when I hear "Beast" - at least if I'm in an optimistic mood. But not here. Our intrepid documentarians - couple Georgia and Matt - are searching for the Beast of Exmoor. Which apparently a Real Thing in cryptozoology. Most people (if they believe in at all) assume it's a black panther/puma type big cat roaming the hillsides of Exmoor in southwest England. So I guess it's technically a "beast," and I like cryptozoology, so let's go with that. But then, when Georgia and Matt get out to Exmoor woods with Fox, an expert big game hunter they've hired, they stumble across a stash of dead bodies. So they end up dealing with more of a metaphorical beast - a serial killer who uses Exmoor as his dumping grounds.

So there's a little back and forth between our trio - Georgia and Matt want to get out of there and notify the cops, but Fox tries to convince them that they can be heroes if they can capture/kill the serial killer. They've got all of the equipment they need (including a bunch of game cameras to keep an eye on the woods) and a big-ass gun. And if they can document it, all the better. Plus, it's a long hike back, and it could be dangerous terrain to cover at night. Georgia and Matt aren't convinced that it's a good plan, and Matt even thinks Fox might know more about the victims than he's letting on. But luckily/unluckily/conveniently/whatever the serial killer guy happens to be making an appearance tonight. And as you may expect, he's a step ahead of our trio... and havoc ensues.

October 1st, 2015 - Dark Was the Night (2014)

One year! Hey-o! Happy anniversary to me. I was trying to think of something special to do - but after a cursory search of any horror movie with "anniversary" in the title, the only one I could find was The Anniversary at Shallow Creek - a flick about six best friends and a serial killer who has "more in store for them than death." I would have watched it, but it was only available to buy for $12.99. And that's not going to happen. Maybe I can save that for another anniversary. And for a while, I was like "what if I only watched good movies in October?" But that's a fruitless task too - tomorrow's movie is already chosen, and I have a feeling it will be stupid. So, I scanned around on Netflix, and Dark Was the Night was one that they actually e-mailed me about - "Jesse, we just added a movie you might like." They were right!

Dark Was the Night is one of those monster movies that pretty much lives and dies on *not* showing you the GD monster. And honestly? It kind of works. The lack of monster gives the film a pretty slow pace, but it's got some good performances/character work and a semi-decent dramatic subplot to fill in the non-monster spaces. It's actually kind of refreshing how seriously it takes itself. It's a little on the long side at 100 minutes and would probably bore some people to tears, but I for one dug it. Even if it is a little depressing for a monster movie.

September 29th, 2015 - Mercy (2014)

Clever me - I thought it'd be funny to watch Almost Mercy, followed up by Mercy. If only there was an Absolute Mercy or something along those lines, I'd be set. I really liked Almost Mercy... and that makes one, I guess. Mercy just didn't grab me in any way - and it felt like it was playing with kiddie gloves, like it's an amped up Goosebumps episode or something.

Mercy is based on the Stephen King short story "Gramma" from his Skeleton Crew collection, which means I've read it at some point in my life. But I have no recollection of it at all. It sounds like the main gist of the thing stayed the same (young boy and potentially evil grandma), but the setting and supporting cast have been changed dramatically. It's not like King's stories have the best cinematic track records anyways, so I doubt knowing any of this beforehand would have changed things. But it's worth reporting, I guess.

September 28th, 2015 - Almost Mercy (2015)

Almost Mercy was the very definition of a pleasant surprise. Or rather - an unpleasant surprise. It's a pretty nasty (but sometimes darkly humorous) film that kind of glorifies school shootings in a way, so I guess "pleasant" wouldn't be a very apt adjective. I wasn't expecting much, but I'd go so far to say that I was close to loving this film.

The film undoubtedly has a good sense of energy about it. It reminded me in a weird way of the wave of Tarantino knock-offs we got in the mid-to-late 90's - kind of hyperkinetic/hyper-violent and having an overly articulate narrator (which is not anything I necessarily think of when I think "Tarantino," but a lot of the knock-offs had that in common for whatever reason). So while that vibe may turn some people off, I feel like it's been long enough since that style has been en vogue that I'm open to seeing films in that style again. Plus, if it's good it's good.

September 25th, 2105 - Exeter (2015)

I'm kind of curious how Exeter came to be. Netflix Instant was pretty intent on me watching it (despite thinking I'd give it one-and-a-half stars, it was on my little featured list for some time). And while it's not a Netflix Original, I don't recall it having a notable release. Not that I have my finger on the pulse of DTV horror or anything, but it at least looks like an expensive enough film - and has enough big names involved behind the scenes - that I don't get why there wasn't a minor theatrical push. (For the record, it was produced by Jason Blum, of "a shitload of horror movies" fame, and directed by Marcus Nipsel, who helmed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre & Friday the 13th remakes.) I'm not saying Exeter is good or anything, but it seems like the studios (often correctly) think they can just put whatever horror crap out and it will make money.

That's not an endorsement, by the way. The big issue with Exeter is that it has some aggressively grating characters. Honestly, aside from our lead, there are maybe two other characters (if you're being generous) that aren't nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying. There are a couple of things in the film that made me wonder if it was even supposed to take place in the real world, or if it's supposed to be some kind of horror-film parody or something. You've got the HORRIBLE supporting characters, and the speed with which they are able to throw together a MASSIVE party at an old abandoned orphanage was just crazy. Our main dude Patrick has some ins there - he's helping restore it for his church group. No sooner than Patrick says "no man - we can't party there!" - there's like a thousand people there, doing hard drugs and rocking out to a loud sound system. All they needed was some whooshing sound or something on the soundtrack to complete the effect.

September 18th, 2015 - The Vampire's Coffin (1958)

The Vampire's Coffin is about a doctor who goes to great lengths to find the grave of a vampire... he justifies it by saying "it's all in the name of science." Check out how his cells have not deteriorated despite being dead for years! But of course, the vampire gets out. Havoc ensues.

As you may have guessed from the title screen, it's a Spanish film (made in Mexico), and apparently a sequel to the popular (and much better, judging from the reviews) El Vampiro. It's got the same cast, and I'm guessing they put a stake in the heart of the evil Count Karol de Lavud (German Robles) at the end of part one. But you can't keep a good vampire down, so he's back here for more. He gets out after the the shady grave robber the doctor hired gets greedy and tries to take a medallion from Lavud's corpse. Are there any upstanding folks in the grave-robbing community anymore? To get to the medallion, he must remove the stake, which I guess means Lavud comes back to life.

September 17th, 2015 - Bad Milo! (2013)

Bad Milo is probably the best killer ass-monster comedy I've ever seen. It's a horror-comedy that occasionally lingers a little too long in the potty humor department, but that may be a necessary evil when you're dealing with a monster that resides in a man's colon. But the gross humor is offset with some clever jokes and surprisingly, a little heart. It's a funny, breezy, and ultimately interesting film.

Duncan (Ken Marino) has severe gastrointestinal problems. He's prone to long fits of gas as well as long and painful bowel movements (to the point where his loving wife wears earplugs to bed while he's doing his thing). The specialist he's seen believes it to be stress-related; Duncan is the kind of guy that bottles up his emotions. So the doctor schedules a colonoscopy, and his current prescription for Duncan is "no stress."

September 15th, 2015 - Exit to Hell (2013)

Eh - I just didn't like Exit to Hell as much as a hoped I would. I like the actors involved (Kane Hodder, Tiffany Shepis), but it's just way too faux-grindhousey for my liking. You get a ton of aggressive effects to simulate old scratches/jumps/whatever on the film, and it just doesn't work. I'm not inherently opposed to it, but when little effects draw more attention than the actual story, that's a problem.

The film also manages to feel overly padded yet underdone at the same time. It starts with a little movie-within-a-movie (a gory nurse/zombie thing that if I had to guess was probably an existing short from one of the filmmakers), and then a ten minute story before the credits where a Chris R. looking guy and his buddy botch a gas station robbery. I guess it serves to introduce our main bad guy, Sheriff Sickle (not what they call him, because those two words sound dumb together - but it's still what he'd be), played by Kane Hodder. At any rate, it's nearly 15 minutes into the film before we get introduced to our *actual* main characters. And the film (sans the ending credits) is only an hour and fifteen minutes, so really you only get an hour to tell the whole story. Which ends with a big fat "huh - that's it?" So I don't know, it just doesn't feel well-laid out to me.

September 12th, 2015 - Roboshark (2015)

It should come as no surprise that Roboshark is really, really stupid. It's another in the long line of Syfy movie of the week mashup shark films - it's got some heavy competition up agains the Ghost Shark and Sand Sharks of the world. And it goes the Sharknado route of being a little too in-the-know about how stupid it is, dialogue along the lines of "This feels like one of those Syfy movies of the week!" and "This isn't a comedy... is it.?" That being said, it's hard to me to totally hate on a film featuring a billionaire computer developer named Bill Glates.

The story (as it were) goes like this: A (surprisingly decent-looking) alien spaceship shoots a little orb into the ocean, where a great white gobbles it up. It is immediately transformed into a (unsurprisingly crappy-looking) Roboshark - honestly, it looks like a cartoon. It then does what you would expect a roboshark to do - attacks a nuclear sub, and then goes into the waterways beneath Bulgaria - er, I mean, Seattle - to randomly pop up out of the ground and attack people.