December 8th, 2015 - Pod (2015)

I liked Pod quite a bit. It's a cool story, and it's pretty intense but feels kind of minimalist at the same time. I think there is total cast of five? And the majority of it is just three characters - mentally-ill (or is he?) war vet Martin, his psychologist brother Ed, and their younger sister Lyla. Ed has gotten a creepy voicemail from Martin, who is living in an isolated cabin in the woods. Ed begrudgingly recruits Lyla to go up and check on their brother because it sounds like it "could be happening again." Apparently, Martin has been diagnosed with some sort of PTSD and paranoid schizophrenia, and while they thought things were under control, it sounds like the meds may not be working anymore.

When Ed and Lyla get to the house, it's in rough shape. All of the windows/doors are blocked off with foil, and the place is a total mess. And Martin is visibly NOT okay; he begins spouting off about super soldier programs and tests that were performed on him during the war, and how he's being tracked by the government. (He's even turned to self-mutilation to get the tracking devices out.) Oh, and he's got a pod in the basement (and not the storage kind - more like an egg). He claims it's from some strange creature that somehow ties in with his government conspiracy. And he begs Ed and Lyla not to go down there, no matter what happens.

November 27th, 2015 - The Pyramid (2014)

This entry is particularly painful. I accidentally erased this entire post (note to my fellow inexperienced bloggers: do not use command Z to undo a page break). So, not only is this whole thing a waste of my time, I have to relive the painful experience of watching The Pyramid.

I remember being sort of excited when The Pyramid came out last year. I'm kind of a found footage nerd, and a pyramid seems like a more interesting setting than a haunted house for the thousandth time. But bad reviews, a busy holiday schedule, and a remarkably short theatrical run kept me away. And that's probably a good thing, because The Pyramid is a really bad, bordering on awful movie... one that would have probably invited to a regret-filled theatrical experience.

November 7th, 2015 - Harbinger Down (2015)

I remember coming across Harbinger Down on Kickstarter a couple of years ago. The gist of it was "hey, don't you hate all that CGI bullshit that's out there now? We'll here's you're chance to fund a monster movie dedicated to representing all practical effects!" Flash forward to November 2015, and it's finished and on Netflix. And to be honest, it's a little disappointing. It feels like a cheap, unsubtle The Thing rip-off, and while the monster stuff is okay, the design of it is so amorphous that you never really know what you're looking at. (I mean, you can tell it's practical, I guess. But as to what it's supposed to be... who knows?) I have no doubt that Harbinger Down has its heart in the right place... but the execution is lacking.

October 16th, 2015 - Nightbeast (1982)

Not sure why they went with the 80s cop
show font, but what can you do?

Nightbeast is a pretty fun independent monster movie from the great Don Dohler (of Galaxy Invader and Fiend) fame. I don't know what it is about his films - they've got a cheap, regionally shot, straight to home video feel... but there's some heart and love of the genre in there too. They are not "great" in the traditional sense, but there's enough passion and effort on display that I find his films extremely charming and hard not to like. When I think "cheesy monster movie," I naturally look back to the black and white creature features of the 50s and early 60s - your Attack of the Crab Monsters and Giant Gila Monsters of the world. But there were still spiritual siblings of those films being made long after that - which is where Nightbeast fits in. While it's a little more gory and the effects are (a little) better, it's heart is in the same place... which is why I think I liked it so much.

Nightbeast starts like so many a creature feature - an alien spacecraft crashes in the middle of a small town. The titular Nightbeast (not actually called that in the film, as far as I can remember) wastes no time and starts to kill off the townsfolk. He's got this chintzy looking laser gun that can disintegrate who or whatever gets shot with it in a flash of cheap animation. (Or at least as it fits in with the story - it doesn't disintegrate walls or rocks or anything, but it will take out a car and the people inside. That's alien technology for you!)  But don't worry - Nightbeast can also rip people in half if he has to.

October 1st, 2015 - Dark Was the Night (2014)

One year! Hey-o! Happy anniversary to me. I was trying to think of something special to do - but after a cursory search of any horror movie with "anniversary" in the title, the only one I could find was The Anniversary at Shallow Creek - a flick about six best friends and a serial killer who has "more in store for them than death." I would have watched it, but it was only available to buy for $12.99. And that's not going to happen. Maybe I can save that for another anniversary. And for a while, I was like "what if I only watched good movies in October?" But that's a fruitless task too - tomorrow's movie is already chosen, and I have a feeling it will be stupid. So, I scanned around on Netflix, and Dark Was the Night was one that they actually e-mailed me about - "Jesse, we just added a movie you might like." They were right!

Dark Was the Night is one of those monster movies that pretty much lives and dies on *not* showing you the GD monster. And honestly? It kind of works. The lack of monster gives the film a pretty slow pace, but it's got some good performances/character work and a semi-decent dramatic subplot to fill in the non-monster spaces. It's actually kind of refreshing how seriously it takes itself. It's a little on the long side at 100 minutes and would probably bore some people to tears, but I for one dug it. Even if it is a little depressing for a monster movie.

September 17th, 2015 - Bad Milo! (2013)

Bad Milo is probably the best killer ass-monster comedy I've ever seen. It's a horror-comedy that occasionally lingers a little too long in the potty humor department, but that may be a necessary evil when you're dealing with a monster that resides in a man's colon. But the gross humor is offset with some clever jokes and surprisingly, a little heart. It's a funny, breezy, and ultimately interesting film.

Duncan (Ken Marino) has severe gastrointestinal problems. He's prone to long fits of gas as well as long and painful bowel movements (to the point where his loving wife wears earplugs to bed while he's doing his thing). The specialist he's seen believes it to be stress-related; Duncan is the kind of guy that bottles up his emotions. So the doctor schedules a colonoscopy, and his current prescription for Duncan is "no stress."

September 9th, 2015 - Frankenstein '80 (1972)

That's some high quality framing

Goofy and rapey is a very odd vibe for a film to shoot for. The two just don't go together under any circumstances, and I don't think even the boldest and/or most talented filmmaker would even try. But that doesn't stop Frankenstein '80, an Italian exploitation flick that is semi-interesting as a gory novelty, but is certainly not a very good movie.

It's a film that asks the bold question - what if early-70's Dr. Frankenstein put gonads into his creation (called "Mosiac" here), and the organ caused the monster to become not only murderer, but also a rapist? Sounds fun, yeah?

September 7th, 2015 - Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell (1981)

Also known by the (much sexier) title Croaked: The Frog Monster From Hell. I'm guessing it was renamed after team Troma got a hold of the distribution rights. While Rana does share some traits with the typical Troma film (i.e. it looks cheap and features some iffy special effects), it's a pretty earnest lake monster film that lacks Troma's patented blend of goofy humor and/or over the top gore. Rana was directed by Bill Rebane (of Monster a Go-Go and The Capture of Bigfoot "fame"), and it's got a regional feel I couldn't help but find charming. Rebane shot his film in the cinema hotbed of rural Wisconsin with the only kind of cast you can get to act in a low budget horror film shot in rural Wisconsin: game, but not that seasoned. And while the film is a bit slow at times, it more or less won me over with it's straight forward style and just enough oddball characters, moments, and surprises to never be totally boring.

July 31st, 2015 - Slithis (1978)

"Slithis" is just a bad sounding name for a monster. Like it's trying too hard to be frightening. "It's cool, because it sounds like a snake!" And technically, our big, gross looking man-in-suit monster isn't Slithis - that's the name of the radioactive goo that he spawned from. But it's a Frankenstein/Frankenstein's monster sort of thing.

Regardless of what you want to call him, I think he looks pretty cool - refreshingly old-school and foamy. (And incidentally *not* like the box art above.) BUT, he's only around for a total of five or so minutes, and the rest of the film is quite a drag. It's your typical "waste from a power plant creates a lake monster" tale, although Slithis doesn't just stick to the lake to go after his victims. There's a canal running through town where he can cover a lot of ground. And, he's not afraid to break into random people's houses (?) to kill them. So he's a little more fearsome than your average shark/monster/whatever... afraid of Jaws? Don't go swimming? Afraid of Slithis? T.S.

July 18th, 2015 - It's Alive! (1969)

Day two of the two-day It's Alive-Fest! Sadly, It's Alive! (note the punctuation), unlike It's Alive, does not feature a killer mutant baby. It instead relies on a nutty old man that kidnaps people to feed the titular it - a really, really, shitty looking creature that lives in a cavern in his back yard. The beast is not menacing in the least, looks totally goofy, and is hardly in the movie at all. Two scenes, and maybe a grand total of 30-45 seconds of screen time. Killer Mutant Baby wins the battle of the It's Alives and it's not even close. It's Alive! just pretty much sucks.

It starts with Asshole Businessman Norman and his wife Leilla on a road trip. They took a wrong turn somewhere and are on a desolate strip of road, about to run out of gas. They end up pulling over and asking a guy named Wayne (Tommy Kirk, who is the best thing about this movie) for gas. Wayne can't help him, but directs them to a big house up the road. They get there and are welcomed by Greely - an older, husky guy who is slightly odd but mostly nice... at first. Leilla's spider sense is all atinglin'- something about the house just seems off to her. But Norman, being a total dick and all, doesn't listen. And seriously, Norman just seems to have gotten married so he could constantly belittle his wife. Norman's assholery is so over the top that it gives Tommy Kirk's presence a run for its money as the best thing It's Alive! has to offer. Anyways, after putting on a nice guy act, Greely leads them down into a cell underground and traps them there. Eventually, a killer beast will eat them. And when Wayne comes around, he ends up getting tossed in there too. So the three of them spend most of the film trying to (a) avoid being eaten (which is surprisingly easy - It doesn't seem that hungry) and (b) escape from the cell. They may have an ally in Bella, Greely's clearly frightened maid/housekeeper - she's obviously terrified to be there, and may not even be there by choice. (Please note that this may not be the exact order of events, but it's the gist. Which is enough for It's Alive!, as far as I'm concerned.)

June 18th, 2015 - Blood Freak (1972)

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June 15th, 2015 - DNA (1997)

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June 14th, 2015 - Gila! (2012)

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June 12th, 2015 - Shriek (1998)

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June 8th, 2015 - Fiend Without a Face (1958)

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May 29th, 2015 - Grim (1995)

Pros:

- Monster looks kind of cool.
- some stupid B-movie laughs
- I watched a really shitty cave-based horror movie yesterday (Abandoned Mine), so this didn't seem as bad.

Cons:

- it's still really bad.

Grim starts off with some sort of seance - a group of people are playing with a Ouija board and accidentally (maybe?) summon a troll-looking creature from his holding cell. (He's frozen in stone, or something.) You get a good look at him early on in the film and he's a decent looking practical creation. He's got the stoutness of a big troll, but a face that reminded me of a smashed-in Rawhead Rex with plentiful sharp teeth and fangs. I guess his name is "Grim" - I don't think it's ever called out or anything though. He's not going to go down in history as being one of the all time greats as far as design goes, but he looks good. If he didn't have such a laughably bad movie surrounding him, he may be remembered more fondly.

May 12th, 2015 - Killer Mermaid (2014)

Honestly, making a good horror movie about a mermaid seems like a nearly impossible task. Tonally, there is just too much baggage with the mythical creature to really make it work. I mean, if you call it something stupid and spoilery (like Killer Mermaid), no one is going to take it seriously. You're pretty much destined to be taken as camp silliness, regardless of your intent. On the flipside, if you shoot for serious tension/horror and keep the mermaid as a reveal, people will probably scoff. "A mermaid is your monster? Pfffft..." You can't win. But there are moments where Killer Mermaid seems to want to be taken seriously... but it just can't be done with that moniker strung around it's neck. And even though I wanted to like this thing, the whole "trying to be serious" thing kind of hampers it - it's too stupid to be taken seriously, but too well done to be stupid fun. It's stuck in this no-man's-land that it can't quite get out of.

It's about two American tourists who travel to the Mediterranean for some fun in the sun. The two aren't very well defined - Kelly (Kristina Klebe) is our obvious final girl, as she is more serious and scared of water. You see, her brother drowned when she was a kid. So an island vacation is the obvious choice for her. Her friend Lucy (Natalie Burn) used to date Alex, the guy they are visiting, and she wears really, really short shorts. We actually spend quite a bit of time trying to get to know these two before the mermaid shit hits the fan, but it's kind of amazing how little we actually learn. Lucy is bummed when she finds out Alex is engaged to be married to Yasmin, so there's a little drama there. When the four of them are bumming about town, they run into a friend of Yasmin's named Boban - he's the sexy, rugged type who wants to take the Americans on an adventure out to the mysterious abandoned island off the coast. A crusty old fisherman/harbinger tells them to stay away... that going there means certain doom. But of course, they ignore him, and head out to the island the next day. What do they find there? If you guessed "Killer Mermaid," step up and collect your prize.

May 11th, 2015 - Under the Bed (2012)

Under the Bed reminded me a lot of The Hole from about a month ago. It's got a kind of similar vibe: kind of more of an 80s style, kid-friendly adventure/horror mash up rather than an outright horror film - Under the Bed doesn't really earn it's R-rating until the end. And both feature brothers fighting off some kind of unseen/undefinable evil, emanating from... a hole and under the bed, respectively. (Both share a lack of creativity in the title as well).

Under the Bed is a little less "fun" though. It's about two brothers, Neal (maybe late teens) and Paulie (maybe 12-13). Neal has been living out of state with an aunt for a couple of years, after he (maybe accidentally?) burned down their old house, accidentally killing their mother in the process. See, fun! His dad is having him come home to meet his future stepmother Angela. But being home brings back some bad memories for Neal - mainly memories of an ACTUAL MONSTER that lived under his bed and tried to kill him on numerous occasions. Of course, no one else except Paulie has seen this creature, and with Neal gone, the monster has turned his attention to the younger sibling. And now that Neal is back home, the monster seems angrier than ever before. The brothers decide they need to finish him off, once and for all.

April 26th, 2015 - Monster (1978)

A little while ago I was talking about a film called Animal and super-generic horror movie titles. And shortly thereafter, I came across this appropriately-titled film on Amazon Prime. So I got queued up, and finally checked it out today. But while Animal had the decency to prominently feature an animal, the same cannot be said about Monster. I mean, the titular monster is the motivating force behind the plot, but until the very end there is precious little monster action.

The opening title card tells us the "story you are about to see is based on fact. The incident occurred in June 1971 in Columbia." There is no corroborating evidence to support this, but whatever. There was no internet in 1978, so maybe some people would buy it. An American-owned factory has been built in a small town in Columbia. There are many, many problems surrounding the factory; the locals are upset about its impact on the environment, a rebel named Sanchez is stirring up anti-American sentiment, a nosy American reporter is rooting around in company business, and a couple people have mysteriously gone missing. Plus, there is a rumor going around about a monster in the nearby lake (where the factory presumably dumps their waste). The company bigwigs think it's total hogwash, but what if there were some truth to the rumors? The American executives send down a Guy Who Means Business to check it out. He gets a lot more than he bargained for...

April 16th, 2015 - Muckman (2009)

Okay, time for a confession. It's possible that things could get a little sketchy over the next month or so. As far as this "watching a horror movie every day" thing goes, I feel like I've handled things pretty well - vacations, holidays, funerals, goddamned housework (I was out fertilizing the lawn for a couple of hours yesterday). But perhaps my biggest challenge started today - the 2015 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. I am an avid Wild fan without cable, so I need to get out of the house to watch my beloved team (hopefully) go deep in the playoffs. Which means a bar. Which means being out late and getting pretty drunk. I mean, I don't want to be *rude* to the bar and just watch their TV without ordering anything, you know? Which means it's hard to watch a movie. So we'll see what happens. I was pretty stoked after watching the Wild go up 1-0 in their series against the Blues, but it has kind of made watching Muckman a blur. So, sorry if this is haphazard.

Anyways, I remember pretty much liking Muckman. It's definitely a low-budget affair (imdb says $500.00 - not sure if I believe that), but it's got an okay story, a good sense of humor, and likable enough leads.