October 20th, 2015 - Darkroom (2013)

Darkroom is a mess. And not an interesting or fun mess. Just a plain old messy mess. Michelle was involved in a car accident where she killed three of her friends. For some reason, this lands her in some sort of a treatment program... if the law or courts were involved, Darkroom doesn't bother to fill you in on it. Michelle is just there, and Dr. Rachel needs to "sign off" on her recovery before she can leave. But is she even an actual doctor? If so, Darkroom doesn't bother to let you know. Dr. Rachel has two brothers - one is a little meek and maybe suffers from some sort of mental illness, and the other is an Eli Roth-esque crazy guy. They just happen to run a torture chamber on the side. So Dr. Rachel lets the patients out, and then using the promise of a job, lures them to a big mansion that houses said torture chamber. Then the three siblings torture them, because God, I guess.

Now, I'm all for religion-bashing in horror movies. But what you get in Darkroom is so weak that it hardly counts. The siblings make reference to "purging your sins," but it's basically just lip service to being a "religious crazy." Where are the wild-eyed rants about the godless state of modern society? It's like they didn't even bother to research any *actual* religious crazies. Just google the WBC and switch up a couple of words, you know? Even saying the siblings are half-baked as characters is overstating it.

September 15th, 2015 - Exit to Hell (2013)

Eh - I just didn't like Exit to Hell as much as a hoped I would. I like the actors involved (Kane Hodder, Tiffany Shepis), but it's just way too faux-grindhousey for my liking. You get a ton of aggressive effects to simulate old scratches/jumps/whatever on the film, and it just doesn't work. I'm not inherently opposed to it, but when little effects draw more attention than the actual story, that's a problem.

The film also manages to feel overly padded yet underdone at the same time. It starts with a little movie-within-a-movie (a gory nurse/zombie thing that if I had to guess was probably an existing short from one of the filmmakers), and then a ten minute story before the credits where a Chris R. looking guy and his buddy botch a gas station robbery. I guess it serves to introduce our main bad guy, Sheriff Sickle (not what they call him, because those two words sound dumb together - but it's still what he'd be), played by Kane Hodder. At any rate, it's nearly 15 minutes into the film before we get introduced to our *actual* main characters. And the film (sans the ending credits) is only an hour and fifteen minutes, so really you only get an hour to tell the whole story. Which ends with a big fat "huh - that's it?" So I don't know, it just doesn't feel well-laid out to me.

March 21st, 2015 - Martyrs (2008)

Ah, Martyrs. I've heard a lot about this film, but was never sure if it was one I was going to see. It has quite a reputation for being a very difficult film to watch because of it's extremely intense scenes of torture... it's rated R-for "disturbing/severe aberrant behavior involving strong bloody violence, torture, child abuse and some nudity." Good thing there's no smoking in it, at least. And honestly, I saw the Unrated version, so whatever. At any rate, it's certainly not a film for the weak of heart - "extreme horror" is an apt description. It is quite disturbing - while it often gets bunched in with a lot of others in the "torture porn" genre, you could debate whether or not it really belongs there. It certainly tries to get a bit headier than your typical "I'm a crazy guy and I love torturing people!," so it's admirable in that respect. Whether it succeeds in getting out of that genre will depend entirely on your interpretation.

The DVD I watched had a nice little introduction to the film from writer-director Pascal Laugier in which he's kind of coyly apologetic about making it. He says "I'm not sure you made the right decision [about watching it]" and "sometimes I hate myself for having done such a flick - sometimes I'm very proud of it. I consider it an act of freedom." Laugier basically implores people to forget about what they've read - to go into it with an open mind and experience it as virginally as possible. He thinks of Martyrs as a strong cinematic experience - and like it or not, you will probably have a strong reaction.

March 15th. 2015 - The Bloody Judge (1970)

Well, I'm used to being misled by Amazon Prime, but I've never felt as misled by Netflix as I did when I watched The Bloody Judge. First off, there is this picture:

So it would be logical to assume that there is some sort of monster in this, right? I mean, you wouldn't put a clearly inhuman creature on the box art unless you delivered *something* monstrous, right? Well, that is not the case. Unless you count old-tymey British wigs as monstrous.

Then, there is the PG-rating. I've read quite a bit about director Jesus Franco - I've seen a couple of his films, but never anything with the sexploitation edge that he's probably most famous for. One would assume that the PG-rating would mean that there would be very little nudity, but nope! The Bloody Judge is way too harsh for a PG - full frontal nudity galore, and a particular fetish with torturing women in long, drawn out scenes. (Never mind the misogynist vibe that permeates the whole film, with lots of women in various torture devices and repeatedly being called "bitch", "slut," and "wench.") So if you assume that all PG-rated movies would be safe for family viewing, beware.