November 29th, 2015 - Moonlight: The Vampires (2012)

Yes, it's about a woman trying to solve murders that *may* have been committed by vampires, and much of this action takes place in a graveyard. But Moonlight Vampires feels like a film that kids could watch (a kid that could either read subtitles or understand Chinese anyways). Not that they'd like it… There's a subplot in there about government corruption, and it's kind of slow. But as far as horror goes it feels pretty toothless. It's listed as Not Rated, but other than one scene of general terror (against a couple of young girls) and a vague prison torture scene this is PG easy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's a very easily digestible film and is occasionally entertaining. But it's certainly not all that memorable.

November 3rd, 2015 - Grave of the Vampire (1972)

Grave of the Vampire is an early 70s vampire flick that changes up the typical vamp story just enough to be moderately entertaining. There's not much here to rave about, but it passes the time all right. Probably the most interesting thing about the film is how the first half-hour or so seems like a completely different movie from what comes next. I mean, both halves keep a serious tone (I'm not sure if there's even a joke in this film), but I guess it'd be like an extended prologue. It plays out like you get a bizarre short film, followed by a shorter, unconventional vampire movie. Say what you well about Grave of the Vampire, but at least the structure keeps it from being boring.

Early on in the film, a vampire rises from the grave and attacks a couple making out in their car. Yes, they go to the graveyard to make out. How romantic! The vampire cracks the man's back over a tombstone (it looks cool!) and then proceeds to drag the woman down into his open grave and rapes her. (You don't see this, thankfully.)  I'm trying to think of another vampire movie where I've seen this. There's almost always a sexual element to a vampire attack, but I don't remember ever seeing a vampire that's solely after sex. So that's different.

October 24th, 2015 - What We Do in the Shadows (2014)

Another day, another comedy. I think Entrails of a Virgin bummed me out on more than one level, and I overcompensated by watching three comedies in a row. Don't get me wrong - What We Do in the Shadows was on my To Watch List for a long time... and it's really funny.  But like I said yesterday, writing about comedies kind of sucks. So this will probably be a short one.

It's not a great comparison, but What We Do in the Shadows kind of reminds me of The Office, with it's documentary-style camera work and interviews, and it's reliance on awkward pauses and kind of nerdy characters. Only instead of an office setting, you have a bunch of vampire roommates renting out a house. And it's hard to deny that the set-up works. While the style may not be particularly innovative (it's got a little bit of reality show feel to it too), the jokes come in a steady flow and have a near perfect hit/miss ratio. And all of the characters are interesting, have diverse personalities, and are fun to spend time with. It's the sort of comedy where I never really belly-laughed or anything - it's just consistently clever, which worked for me.

October 8th, 2015 - Deathmaster (1972)

Good name, not so good of a movie. If you were wondering what Robert Quarry (aka Count Yorga, Vampire) would look like as a hippie/Jesusy vampire instead of a suave/classy one, Deathmaster will give you that answer. Instead of debonair Yorga, Quarry's Khorda here is more of a new-agey guru who more or less takes over a group of hippies living in an old, rundown house. There's no doubt he's a smooth talker and telling them what they want to hear... "he's FAR OUT, MAN!" And they aren't even *that* nervous when he disappears into thin air. No one is really that concerned about this stranger except for Pico... most of his friends are easily swayed by the charismatic vampire. But when Pico notices his friends behaving oddly and a little zombie-like, he tries to get his girlfriend Rona out of there before they become a part of Khorda's undead crew.

I have to assume Deathmaster exists because Quarry's previous forays into vampirism were so successful (Yorga in 1970 and its 1971 sequel The Return of Count Yorga). So it's hard not to compare the two. (In fact, the art for the the two Yorga films have claims of "Mistresses of the Deathmaster" and "The Deathmaster is back from beyond the grave!") Other than some groovy music and the occasional silly hippie moment, Deathmaster is never really all that effective or even that fun. The victims all come across as being weak-minded goofs - even considering Khorda's "charisma" (in quotes, because it's clearly intended but never comes across) the hippies are taken over way too easily - all it takes is a dance, apparently.

September 18th, 2015 - The Vampire's Coffin (1958)

The Vampire's Coffin is about a doctor who goes to great lengths to find the grave of a vampire... he justifies it by saying "it's all in the name of science." Check out how his cells have not deteriorated despite being dead for years! But of course, the vampire gets out. Havoc ensues.

As you may have guessed from the title screen, it's a Spanish film (made in Mexico), and apparently a sequel to the popular (and much better, judging from the reviews) El Vampiro. It's got the same cast, and I'm guessing they put a stake in the heart of the evil Count Karol de Lavud (German Robles) at the end of part one. But you can't keep a good vampire down, so he's back here for more. He gets out after the the shady grave robber the doctor hired gets greedy and tries to take a medallion from Lavud's corpse. Are there any upstanding folks in the grave-robbing community anymore? To get to the medallion, he must remove the stake, which I guess means Lavud comes back to life.

September 1st, 2015 - Dracula 3000 (2004)

Or Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness, according to this screenshot and absolutely nowhere else.

I wanted to celebrate my return after my August Hiatus with something solid. Or at the very least, something entertaining. And if you want a little peek into my thought process: I saw the cast of Dracula 3000 - Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Tiny "Zeus" Lister, and Coolio - and thought "I should probably watch this." Impulsive? Sure. And while Dracula 3000 is definitely a terrible movie, it flirts with being bad enough to almost be worth watching. It's not so bad it's good - but it's pretty close. It's kind of charming in how shitty it is... like a bad SyFy movie before they became self aware.

March 20th, 2015 - The Hand of Night (1968)

The credits for The Hand of Night got me really excited. Over a plain black background you get some awesome colored-smoke, crazy lights, skeleton props, and cheesy/awesome fake bats that fly at the camera. It's sweet! And it seems to promise a fun time... I was expecting wackiness, vampires, cheesy effects, hammy acting - all with a groovy late 60s British sheen. It seemed like a perfect late-night watch for me. So I was a little disappointed that it's played a little more straight - you've technically got a vampire and a cult, but it never gets as crazy as the credits would lead you to believe. And it's a little more dramatic too - our lead character is overcoming a pretty serious tragedy. But all that aside, it does have a certain charm that made it a decent watch. (Also, re: the credits - it's the first time I've ever seen a producer get top-billing over the director... curious.)

Our story focuses on Paul Carver (William Sylvester), a man traveling to Morocco - I think he's going there to see a doctor/hypnotist to help him forget the tragic accident that killed his wife and two children. But on the plane, he starts having crazy nightmares, yelling and thrashing about in his seat - the man sitting next to him slaps him around until he wakes up. "Bad dreams are very disturbing. I hope I did not hurt you when I was slapping your face." That's nice... anyways, the slapper is an archeologist named Otto Gunther (Edward Underdown) - he's in Morocco on a dig and close to opening up a long undiscovered tomb. He invites Paul to visit him when he gets the chance.

March 2nd, 2015- Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

Before Only Lovers Left Alive begins, Sony Pictures Classics was kind enough to mention that the film is rated-R for "Language and Brief Nudity." Hmmm - a vampire movie with no violence? How curious. And while Only Lovers Left Alive is not successful as a horror film (it doesn't care about that in the slightest), it is still a fascinating, great looking, and thought-provoking film. Storywise, it's a little scattershot, but I get the feeling that writer-director Jim Jarmusch is not so interested in the traditional vampire myth itself. Rather, he's using the vampiric qualities of eternal life, intelligence, and general coolness to explore topics that he's personally interested in (the power of Art and its role in our lives, the depressing state of humanity, and vintage clothes). Only Lovers Left Alive flirts with being overly pretentious at times, but overall it's a well made and unique film.

Our main characters are vampires Adam (Tom Hiddleston) and Eve (Tilda Swinton). They are a little less upper class than your typical screen vampire - they don't live in a lavish gothic castle with servants or anything. They look like a couple of neo-bohemians with a ton of money and a good hookup for vintage clothes. (The costume and set design in this film is fantastic.) Adam has taken up residence in the abandoned areas of Detroit (amongst the type of poverty where it looks like it's recovering from a bomb), and Eve lives overseas in Tangiers. The two are married - apparently happily so, but are just spending some time apart.

January 6th, 2015 - Crypt of the Living Dead (1973)

I was a little nervous about Crypt of the Living Dead. I haven't been having lots of luck with the 50 Tales of Terror budget set, and the description of the film on the sleeve didn't sound terribly interesting. (It turns out it's not accurate either, but still. It also says it's in color and it is not.) But I dug it. It's pretty much saved by one performance (Frank Brana - more on him later), but outside of that the story is okay and there is an eerie enough atmosphere to make it watchable.

The story: an archeologist studying "paganism, demonism, and the occult" has made his way to a remote island, where he is checking out a tomb said to belong to Hannah, an ancient vampire queen who was buried 700 years ago. He gets down there and is attacked and pushed under her tomb, which the attackers knock down, crushing him to death. His engineer son Chris (Andrew Prine) comes to the island to bury his father, and meets Peter (Mark Damon) - I don't know what his deal is... and Peter's sister Mary (Patty Shepard) - a school teacher and eventual romantic interest for Chris. Incidentally, in the first scene we saw Peter as one of the two evildoers who killed Chris's father... so despite him appearing to be helpful, we know he's up to no good.

November 19th, 2014 - Count Yorga, Vampire (1970)

Or, if you listen to the title screen, The Loves of Count Iorga, Vampire. I like the alternate title more, but the "Y" sound is certainly less confusing. I liked this one. It's got a solid "Swinging late 60's-70's vibe," a fun, smooth as silk vampire in Count Yorga (Robert Quarry), and is never too trashy but never too serious. Overall, it's an enjoyable but pretty low-key vampire flick.

It starts off at a port by the sea where a sketchy looking guy is picking up a wooden coffin and tosses it in the back of the truck. Nothing shady about that!

I wouldn't want to be behind this on the highway

At least put a tarp over it! Anyways, shortly after the truck arrives at a gated estate, we cut to a seance led by Count Yorga (in non-vampire form). There are three couples at the seance, and they are attempting to contact the recently deceased mother of Donna (the mother who also happened to be in a brief but passionate relationship with the Count). After we establish the skepticism of several of the guests, the lights go out and some weird stuff starts to happen. Donna, who seems *way* too attached to dear old mom ("I need you [mother] - I never want to be alone!") goes into hysterics, and the Count hypnotizes her to calm her down. His evil intentions are made clear (as if the title of the film didn't give it away) when he telepathically instructs Donna to "do everything I say, whenever and from wherever I say it." The seance party winds down, and one of the couples (Erica and Paul) offer the Count a ride home. But before he leaves? "I believe I had a cape." Ah, the 70's.

November 16th, 2014 - Vampire Men of the Lost Planet (1970)

I had come across director Al Adamson before. Looking at his imdb page, he's got quite the collection of B-movie "-ploitations" - sex- (Blazing Stewardesses, The Female Bunch), black- (Black Samurai), and, uh... blood- (Hell's Bloody Devils, Brain of Blood, Horror of Blood Planet - the last being the better but less accurate alternate title of Vampire Men of the Lost Planet.) Anyways, judging from those titles you pretty much know what you're getting into. B-grade movies may be being generous - I often see "Z-grade" associated with his name.

My only personal experience with Adamson thus far has been 1971's Dracula vs. Frankenstein - a very cheap but fun mad scientist-slasher movie with a vampire and Frankenstein thrown in to sexy it up a little bit. It was most notable to me because the backstory is Adamson had parts of two films shot (I think a Dracula movie and a mad-scientist movie) but didn't have the financing to finish either. So he just shot a little connective tissue with Frankenstein and viola - now we have a movie. It is this same commitment to the craft of filmmaking that is on display in Vampire Men of the Lost Planet... although taking it a step further, a bunch of the footage here is recycled from other movies he didn't even shoot.

October 27th, 2014 - The Vampires Night Orgy (1974)

The Vampires Night Orgy has a pretty misleading title.   Not to get all horndog on you, but you figure that a mid-70's Vampire movie with "orgy" in the title is going to be a little sexually charged.  But not here - you've got a peeper, a little bit of nudity, and that's about it.  It must be going along with the classic definition of orgy - per freedictionary.com: uncontrolled or immoderate indulgence in an activity.   In this case, the activity is the killing of a bus load of people traveling through the Spanish (I think) countryside.

Also, the grammatical vagueness and the lack of an apostrophe in the title is getting to me.  Is it an orgy on the night of the vampires?  Is it a night orgy involving vampires?  Inquiring minds want to know!  It is listed on the box (50 Tales of Terror) as Vampire's Night Orgy, which kind of makes sense - it is the Night Orgy of at least one Vampire.   On imdb, it is listed as The Vampires' Night Orgy, which is probably the best (it's the Night Orgy of several Vampires) but looks stupid.  In the movie itself it is listed as The Vampires Night Orgy, which I've been thinking about for several days (seriously) and am having trouble unpacking.  I'm a bad English Major.  But I've already spent too much time on thinking about this movie that was just passable at best.

October 20th, 2014 - Rigor Mortis (2013)

Rigor Mortis is a nice smorgasbord for fans of Asian Horror.  There's a lot of stuff going on here - ghosts, mysticism/black magic, body horror, vampires (& the requisite vampire hunters), exciting fight scenes, and just good old fashioned murders.  But it's all wrapped up in a stylish package that makes it a really exciting watch.

Rigor Mortis starts off with actor Chin Siu-ho who has fallen on hard times, both professionally and personally.  He is clearly depressed about the dissolution of his family (he listens to an old recording of his son on his voicemail - although it is never made clear how/why the family broke up), and says he is "tired of smiling" and "I don't want to go on."  As we are introduced to him, he is moving into an apartment in a huge, old, decaying building.  The florescent lighting, exposed brick, sliding grates in front of the doors, and overwhelming grayness of it all make you think "this would be a great place to kill yourself."  Which he promptly sets out to do.

October 3rd, 2014 - Argento's Dracula (2012)

Oof.

I had read a lot about this one - the gist has always been "avoid at all costs."  And avoid it I did, until it popped up recently on Netflix Instant.  Argento has made a couple of no-doubt classics (and many other good to great films to boot), so I figured that it was time to give it a shot.  I was hopeful - going into a movie with a negative mindset will never help.  But shortly after the opening credits that hope vanished, and I began to see that the reputation this one has is well deserved.

I have not read Bram Stoker's original novel - basically, the oldest fiction I can read and retain in any way is HP Lovecraft (1910's on) - so I can really only base this on the other Dracula movies that I have seen. The most recent being Dracula vs. Frankenstein - the cheesy carnival one from 1971.  Probably not the most well respected in the Dracula canon.  But from my rudimentary research, it seems that some of the characters I didn't know of in Argento's version were at least were present in the original novel, which is more than I can say for most adaptations I've come across.