October 3rd, 2014 - Argento's Dracula (2012)

Oof.

I had read a lot about this one - the gist has always been "avoid at all costs."  And avoid it I did, until it popped up recently on Netflix Instant.  Argento has made a couple of no-doubt classics (and many other good to great films to boot), so I figured that it was time to give it a shot.  I was hopeful - going into a movie with a negative mindset will never help.  But shortly after the opening credits that hope vanished, and I began to see that the reputation this one has is well deserved.

I have not read Bram Stoker's original novel - basically, the oldest fiction I can read and retain in any way is HP Lovecraft (1910's on) - so I can really only base this on the other Dracula movies that I have seen. The most recent being Dracula vs. Frankenstein - the cheesy carnival one from 1971.  Probably not the most well respected in the Dracula canon.  But from my rudimentary research, it seems that some of the characters I didn't know of in Argento's version were at least were present in the original novel, which is more than I can say for most adaptations I've come across.

Basically, it's a pretty standard Drac story that focuses a bit more on the supporting characters until handing things over Van Helsing about half-way through.  It starts with a young couple and a romantic tryst in the countryside (any fears that there would be no nudity in this are quickly laid to rest), after which an Owl/Dracula (?) attacks the young lady Tanya, "killing" her.  If you've seen a vampire movie though, you know not to trust this death.

Meanwhile, our potential hero Jonathan has been hired by Count Dracula to inventory the castle library, or something.  He is anxiously awaiting his wife Mina, who is accompanying her good friend Lucy, played by the always welcome Asia Argento.  Dracula has hungry eyes for Mina, and once she shows up we get an intertwined story of long-lost love, violence, and betrayal, and none of it matters because the whole thing kind of sucks.

What I liked...

Some of the ideas in here were cool.  I liked the tweak that Dracula can turn into any animal he wants to.  I never really got why he could turn into a bat anyways, so I'm fine with him being able to turn into a wolf or a giant mantis (?).  Although turning him into a fly just made me think that my time would be better spent watching Four Flies on Grey Velvet again.

The music, by frequent Argento composer Claudio Simonetti was enjoyable, as always. There seemed to be more of an obvious attempt to go for a "Classic-Horror" vibe, as theremins and organs are prominently featured.  It's less pulsing that what you usually hear from him, but it was far and away the most enjoyable part of the film for me.

What I didn't like...

There were red flags right away - the whole movie just looks really, really bad.  I'm not sure if they were more concerned with shooting for 3D, or they were constricted by the budget, or had no idea how to light for the camera they were using, but nothing I saw looked like a professional film.  I don't know if I've seen more setty-looking sets in a motion picture from this century.  The lighting was bad enough to notice, and I almost never notice that kind of thing (when was the last time you thought "that was a really well-lit shot?).

The special effects were terrible too.  Again, you expect a certain level of quality out of a professional film, and it just wasn't there.  They used CGI where they *clearly* didn't need to - since when does a pool of blood, on the ground, need to be CGI?  Also, why not just use a fake half-stake in a guys chest instead of animating it?  And anytime insects are involved, things veer much closer to "video game cut scene" than "major motion picture."

And there was clearly an "I just truly don't care" performance from Rutger Hauer - unless his direction was "just be completely bored and uninterested by the whole Dracula thing."  The other leads ranged from passable to decent - Thomas Kretschmann is doing what he can as Drac, but again, no amount of acting/scenery chewing could have salvaged things here.

Ultimately

I would   under no conceivable circumstances recommend   this film

Weird Coincidences

Both this and Blood Glacier (10/1/4) had characters named Tanja and Janek, and both featured scenes of terribly animated flies.

Thoughts

This is the first time in my writing experience (three whole days) that I've felt the need to be aggressively negative.  I feel bad!  I mean, how good are the movies I've made? (Hint: They were in grade school and too offensive and embarrassingly bad to ever show anyone.)  Then again, it's not like I'm taking a controversial stance by saying "Argento's Dracula is a bad movie."  As far as I'm concerned, unless he gets into some super weird offensive stuff, Mr. Argento has a lifetime pass.  I just hope I like the next one a little bit more.