December 10th, 2015 - THE END

Or is it?

Not really. The fact of the matter is that I made it through mid-February 2016, watching a movie every day. But it's at about this point where I stumbled with the blog entries, took some shortcuts, and straight up skipped writing about some of them. So it seems as good of a time as any to call it quits...

Until October 2016! If you'd like equally random but more recent horror movie crap in a blog format, please see The Amazing Denim Jacket.

Thanks for stopping by!

December 9th, 2015 - Blood Riders: The Devil Rides With Us (2013)

It's not entirely fair to call every ultra low-budget and knowingly stupid film Troma-esque, but that's where my brain goes. Troma with a dense Canadian filter is probably how I would describe Blood Riders: The Devil Rides with Us. Even though there's a lot of tasteless humor and cheap gore, it's a bit more good-natured then I would expect from a wacky low budget horror-comedy.

Janek and Kyle (I think I have the names right) are buddies - they're pretty good guys, but are sick of being treated badly by their peers. So, as you do when you want respect, they attempt to steal a car. But they are interrupted by Dane and Zoey (two "cool kids") and try to walk away. But Dane harasses them, and in order to show him up they successfully steal a *different* car. And the four not-really-friends go for a little joyride. However, when they go to ditch the car out in the woods they find a dead body in the trunk. Zoinks!

December 8th, 2015 - Pod (2015)

I liked Pod quite a bit. It's a cool story, and it's pretty intense but feels kind of minimalist at the same time. I think there is total cast of five? And the majority of it is just three characters - mentally-ill (or is he?) war vet Martin, his psychologist brother Ed, and their younger sister Lyla. Ed has gotten a creepy voicemail from Martin, who is living in an isolated cabin in the woods. Ed begrudgingly recruits Lyla to go up and check on their brother because it sounds like it "could be happening again." Apparently, Martin has been diagnosed with some sort of PTSD and paranoid schizophrenia, and while they thought things were under control, it sounds like the meds may not be working anymore.

When Ed and Lyla get to the house, it's in rough shape. All of the windows/doors are blocked off with foil, and the place is a total mess. And Martin is visibly NOT okay; he begins spouting off about super soldier programs and tests that were performed on him during the war, and how he's being tracked by the government. (He's even turned to self-mutilation to get the tracking devices out.) Oh, and he's got a pod in the basement (and not the storage kind - more like an egg). He claims it's from some strange creature that somehow ties in with his government conspiracy. And he begs Ed and Lyla not to go down there, no matter what happens.

December 7th, 2015 - Arang (2006)

Arang is a just fine-ish Korean ghost-tale/thriller about someone... or something... killing off a bunch of well-to-do dudes. The only connection at first seems to be the fact that they've all been instant messaged a link to this "terrifying" website. I mean, I guess it's just a tourist advertisement for this little town by the sea - particularly this one old salt house. For those of you not in the know (like me), it's an old salt storage place by the sea - in this case, it's a creepy old wooden cabin looking thing. But the website is not very effective as a marketing tool. It makes the town look creepy, and it's shot all ominously, slow panning in black-and-white. It's clearly not meant for public consumption. But these victims seem to be spooked, and it's obvious that something more is going on here than anonymous instant messaging.

Detective So-young is assigned to the case. She has just returned to the police department after a forced sabbatical. She's not necessarily a loose cannon and doesn't totally "play by her own rules," but she gets partnered with an inexperienced guy anyways. Together, they try to figure out who... or what... has committed these murders, and how they can stop them from happening again.

December 6th, 2015 - Blood, Boobs, and Beast (2007)

After a number of mockumentaries, Blood, Boobs, and Beast marks my first proper documentary for this blog. And while it's not a horror film, it's about a guy who made horror movies (including the pretty rad Nightbeast), which is good enough in my book.

The subject here is Don Dohler, a filmmaker who is known in some circles for a couple of different projects: he had a late 70s comics 'zine that launched the career of many a famous artist, as well as a special effects magazine called Cinemagic. While the film touches on these, it's most interested in his horror films, which have gained cult status for their regional charm and their DIY aesthetics. And for the record, I've very much enjoyed everything I've seen from him, so I may be a little biased.

December 5th, 2015 - Queen of Blood (1966)

The year? 1990. The problem of traveling to the moon has been solved for many years. Space Stations have been built there, and authorized personnel come and go as they wish. But the moon is a dead world, and the great question about space still remains... does life exist on another planet? 

Well, it turns out Queen of Blood didn't quite get that right. But it's always fun to see how the past viewed the future, now that it's the present. Or in this case, now that that particular present is the past. I guess. Whatever.

Queen of Blood is an interesting movie. Some of the visuals are amazing, and some of them look like crap. But there's some money behind the big shots of outer space - and while I am no film historian, I don't associate American International Pictures with big budget stuff. But after watching the film and doing a little research, I found that the good stuff is lifted from a couple of fancy Russian sci-fi flicks. AIP bought the footage, inserted their own cheap and convoluted story about Mars trip gone awry and a creepy alien race... and voila! One of the more inconsistent films I've come across... maybe ever.

December 4th, 2015 - The Cabining (2014)

I'm not sure how to explain The Cabining without pretty much ruining it. So, fair warning. (For the record, I'd say it's probably not worth seeing anyways.) Think of an awkward indie-horror version of Adaptation... it's got some of the meta-ness of Cabin in the Woods, but it just isn't particularly clever. It's not stupid, but it's not smart either. And this is the type of story that requires some smarts and finesse, and unfortunately The Cabining doesn't have either.

Todd and Bruce are buddies trying to make it as screenwriters. The problem is they are terrible. Supposedly they've been at it for years, but their scripts are laughably bad. Todd is the more serious one - he's concerned with rent and, uh... writing. His buddy Bruce just kind of goofs around all the time and doesn't really even try to write. And in the off chance he has an idea, it usually sucks. So yeah, not much of a team. Anyways, the pair is lamenting the fact that their most recent attempt at a horror script was laughed out of a writing workshop. Plus, they stand to lose Todd's rich uncle's (Richard Riehle, Skype-ing it in) investment if they don't get something good together... and fast.

December 3rd, 2015 - The Cutting Room (2015)

The Cutting Room starts off with a very intense credit sequence: black screen with freaky old-timey music, intercut with torture sounds and screaming, and then the visual of a young woman being chained to a table. But after that, the film just sort of twiddles its thumbs for an hour, leading up to a not very rewarding climax. Oh, and it's found footage! So it's another film to add to the ever expanding pile of crappy found footage films, I guess.

December 2nd, 2015 - Robin Hood: Ghosts of Sherwood (2012)

Robin Hood: the Ghost of Sherwood just might be the stupidest movie I've ever seen. It's just unrelentingly dumb on so many levels. Not only do character's motivations change at random... the actors actually playing the characters change! They try to cover it up with some magic potion hogwash... although I suspect they changed everything so they could have Tom Savini in their movie. (Suspiciously, the "potioned" characters only appear in scenes with him.) I like Tom Savini just fine, but I don't think he's worth completely scheduling your film around, you know? And also - bad direction, bad script, bad action, bad ADR... and it's WAY too long (at nearly 2 hours). It's poorly done at literally every level.

December 1st, 2015 - The Big Bad (2011)

The Big Bad is an intriguing indie film that occasionally comes close to being ruined by its own indie-ness. Visually the film can be pretty brutal (the first 20 or so minutes have this weird haze in the picture), and there are some performances that are bad/off enough that they threaten to derail the whole thing.  But there's enough zest and energy to things that it ends up mostly working, and it builds up a pretty interesting world for our hero Frankie to journey through.

It starts out kind of rough... You've got some pretty shaky camera work (and that weird haze) as Frankie goes about town, clearly looking for a dude. She settles into one of the diviest bars I've ever seen and sort of befriends this drug-addict lady, and they do the typical indie dramatic yammering thing for a while. After about 15 minutes, it's still not clear what the film even is or will be. A dark and dramatic character piece about these two? A crime thriller of sorts? I actually stopped it to make sure that this was a horror film about 15 minutes in. But what Netflix says, goes, so I continued on with the film.

November 30th, 2015 - The Gardener (1974)

Oof. The Gardener is bad. And not in a fun way. Check out this plot - it's literally the best I could find from a half-dozen sites, and it's still bad: A strange man grows odd plants for a wealthy American woman in South America. The plants begin to emit deadly fumes! It seems that all of his previous employers have died mysteriously. What happens to him in the end is very bizarre. (Thanks terribly written Amazon plot summary!) Usually, with a plot like that, you can bank on some enjoyable weirdness or at least some entertaining surreal badness. But there's none of that here. The Gardener just drags... and drags... and drags with very little to offer. It's exasperating. I think I was checking the remaining runtime on this more than I have for any film in recent memory. It's just plain rough to watch.

That plot summary kind of sums it up. I watched the extras and actress Katherine Houghton - playing Ellen, the wealthy woman who hires the titular gardner - summed up her interest in the film by saying there was some good class tension in the script. And I guess it's kind of there... her and her husband are elite, rich, white folks living in a gated mansion in Brazil (actually filmed in Puerto Rico), with numerous servants and what not. But really, other than one scene where she's driving through a poor part of town, the class theme never really makes it through. (To be fair, Houghton says as much in the interview.) Basically you just sit there waiting for some plants to kill people (which happens about one-half of one time), and it seems like the filmmakers don't care about class tension *or* plant action.

November 29th, 2015 - Moonlight: The Vampires (2012)

Yes, it's about a woman trying to solve murders that *may* have been committed by vampires, and much of this action takes place in a graveyard. But Moonlight Vampires feels like a film that kids could watch (a kid that could either read subtitles or understand Chinese anyways). Not that they'd like it… There's a subplot in there about government corruption, and it's kind of slow. But as far as horror goes it feels pretty toothless. It's listed as Not Rated, but other than one scene of general terror (against a couple of young girls) and a vague prison torture scene this is PG easy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's a very easily digestible film and is occasionally entertaining. But it's certainly not all that memorable.

November 28th, 2015 - The Pyramid (2013)

When a horror film is called The Pyramid, I think it's a generally safe to assume the plot of the film will involve people going into a pyramid, and things not going as planned. Like yesterday's The Pyramid, for example. But today's The Pyramid, despite suspiciously similar title artwork, is not about that. (Although in The Pyramid's defense, I think you are pretty much obligated to highlight the "A" if you are designing that title.) The actual pyramid here is a little knickknack. It's like a crappy version of the little puzzle thing from Hellraiser. And it unleashes pure evil, which is obviously problematic for whoever has it in their possession.

But this The Pyramid uses this framework to sort of have a connected anthology. It's four stories are about how this little knickknack affects the people who have it... how it magically uses them to do it's evil bidding. And maybe even take over the world! As much as a semi-sentient little toyshop pyramid can, anyways.

November 27th, 2015 - The Pyramid (2014)

This entry is particularly painful. I accidentally erased this entire post (note to my fellow inexperienced bloggers: do not use command Z to undo a page break). So, not only is this whole thing a waste of my time, I have to relive the painful experience of watching The Pyramid.

I remember being sort of excited when The Pyramid came out last year. I'm kind of a found footage nerd, and a pyramid seems like a more interesting setting than a haunted house for the thousandth time. But bad reviews, a busy holiday schedule, and a remarkably short theatrical run kept me away. And that's probably a good thing, because The Pyramid is a really bad, bordering on awful movie... one that would have probably invited to a regret-filled theatrical experience.

November 26th, 2015 - Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Hey yo! It's Manos! It's a bit weird to be using this for the blog, as I've kind of seen it many times. But only in riffed form. Maybe a half dozen times on MST3K, and twice on Rifftrax. This "real" version is more punishing, as you don't have the jokes or the buffers of the host segments. But I've never made it through the "real" version, and just like I wouldn't count a riffed movie as my movie for the day, it seems fair to use a movie that I've only seen riffed. So... Manos!

And this Manos is pretty special, because it's the recently released Blu-Ray, which was lovingly remastered in HD by Ben Solovey. Honestly, I don't really know how any of this stuff works... but this Manos looks great. Almost like a real movie at times! So many thanks to Mr. Solovey for his odd labor of love - you've made the world a better place, good sir.

November 25th, 2015 - Shocker (1989)

I feel like Shocker has gotten a little extra play as of late, given the recent passing of writer/director Wes Craven. It's a surprisingly light flick, considering the big bad is a serial killer (Horace Pinker) who massacres entire families! Usually, slashers just kill off teens or (shitty) single people/couples. Because knocking off an entire family is kind of depressing. And actually, Pinker is a serial killer until he's executed. At which point, using some sort of occult spell/black magic, he manifests into some sort of ghost/spirit who can jump either (a) from body to body, possessing the person, or (b) into the TV (?). It's interesting… Shocker starts out pretty grim, and progressively gets zanier until the big climax, which plays more like a comedy than anything else. So, even though it's a little on the long side, at least Shocker is never boring. 

Is it good? Eh... I mean, it's entertaining for sure, but I think I kind of expected more considering it's a Wes Craven joint - and also considering all of the love I've heard for it over the years. Granted, it's a love that often comes with an asterisk, but still. The tone is just kind of all over the place, and it never really cohered into anything that made enough sense for me to enjoy on anything other than a superficial level. Although there could be love for it because of how insane it is... and I kind of get that. But overall it just never clicked for me.

November 24th, 2015 - Shrooms (2007)

Confession: I've never done mushrooms. If I ever do (even though at age 35 my "trying new substances" days are almost over), I hope there isn't some ghost/beast thing running around trying to kill me after I take them. That would suck. And I guess that's pretty much the story of Shrooms.

It's worth noting that Shrooms is NOT a comedy. I expected it to be an Evil Bong-ish silly drug misadventure (the likes of which are generally painfully unfunny), but Shrooms is far from it. It plays more like a grim n' gritty slasher than anything. Not a particularly good one, mind you, but still a step up from your average drug comedy.

November 23rd, 2015 - Malice (2013)

Please note: I am not talking about the 1993 Alec Baldwin/Nicole Kidman thriller. This Malice is a feature film pieced together out of a web series (if my IMDB detective work is correct). Which is in and of itself is kind of interesting. We were doing it in the 30s and 40s with serials, and what's old is now new again via the internet. Anyways, you can't really tell that Malice was a web series. It mostly feels like a legit low-budget film on the first watch, and there aren't any obvious breaks in the action or anything like that. It's still not very good though. If I was watching it one 10-15 minute episode at a time, I'd maybe make it to episode three.

It starts with teenager Alice chilling on the roof of her house with an assault rifle (or other big gun), as a crowd of horribly animated zombies close in. The rest of the film gives you the story as to how that happened.

November 22nd, 2015 - Absentia (2011)

I had been hearing good things about Absentia for a long time. It seemed to be popular amongst my favorite writers on the internet, and was lingering on my Netflix Instant queue for a long time... Until one day, like the gentleman in the film, it disappeared. I was sad. But it continued to linger on my DVD queue... And then one day... Bang! What a pleasant surprise!

Absentia is not only a good flick, but it's one of those where your feelings about it are amplified once you watch the extras and know the backstory. I mean it's a really good (if pretty low-key) film on its own, but once you learn about it's lowbudget-kickstarterness (and general inexperience of the filmmakers) it's hard not to love. But I'll try to not let that color this entry.

Fair warning: some of this is spoilery. Just see the movie. It's really good. I mean, it's understated and not full of action, but in terms of not-too-dark indie psychological horror it's the real deal.

November 21st, 2015 - The Tell-Tale Heart (1960)

I must have read Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart" at some point, but other than the main bullet point (guy fesses up to murder because he can still hear the heartbeat of his victim) I don't remember anything. I'm pretty sure it didn't involve a creepy loner named Edgar trying to woo his beautiful neighbor. But whatever - this adaptation still pretty much works, even though it has to try a little too hard to stretch the source material to feature length.

Laurence Payne plays Edgar, a librarian leading a mostly solitary life. He's got a big house with a maid, but other than the occasional social visit from his friend Carl, he prefers to be alone. That is, until the beautiful Betty moves in across the street. Edgar is smitten, but doesn't know how to go about getting to know her. He even asks Carl (a dashing, suave ladies man) "How do you talk to a girl?" So he's rather inexperienced, but also a little creepy. He conveniently can see into Betty's window from his bedroom, and follows her around town, only to ask her a question and then vanish. Nerves, I tell you!