November 30th, 2015 - The Gardener (1974)

Oof. The Gardener is bad. And not in a fun way. Check out this plot - it's literally the best I could find from a half-dozen sites, and it's still bad: A strange man grows odd plants for a wealthy American woman in South America. The plants begin to emit deadly fumes! It seems that all of his previous employers have died mysteriously. What happens to him in the end is very bizarre. (Thanks terribly written Amazon plot summary!) Usually, with a plot like that, you can bank on some enjoyable weirdness or at least some entertaining surreal badness. But there's none of that here. The Gardener just drags... and drags... and drags with very little to offer. It's exasperating. I think I was checking the remaining runtime on this more than I have for any film in recent memory. It's just plain rough to watch.

That plot summary kind of sums it up. I watched the extras and actress Katherine Houghton - playing Ellen, the wealthy woman who hires the titular gardner - summed up her interest in the film by saying there was some good class tension in the script. And I guess it's kind of there... her and her husband are elite, rich, white folks living in a gated mansion in Brazil (actually filmed in Puerto Rico), with numerous servants and what not. But really, other than one scene where she's driving through a poor part of town, the class theme never really makes it through. (To be fair, Houghton says as much in the interview.) Basically you just sit there waiting for some plants to kill people (which happens about one-half of one time), and it seems like the filmmakers don't care about class tension *or* plant action.

November 29th, 2015 - Moonlight: The Vampires (2012)

Yes, it's about a woman trying to solve murders that *may* have been committed by vampires, and much of this action takes place in a graveyard. But Moonlight Vampires feels like a film that kids could watch (a kid that could either read subtitles or understand Chinese anyways). Not that they'd like it… There's a subplot in there about government corruption, and it's kind of slow. But as far as horror goes it feels pretty toothless. It's listed as Not Rated, but other than one scene of general terror (against a couple of young girls) and a vague prison torture scene this is PG easy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's a very easily digestible film and is occasionally entertaining. But it's certainly not all that memorable.

November 28th, 2015 - The Pyramid (2013)

When a horror film is called The Pyramid, I think it's a generally safe to assume the plot of the film will involve people going into a pyramid, and things not going as planned. Like yesterday's The Pyramid, for example. But today's The Pyramid, despite suspiciously similar title artwork, is not about that. (Although in The Pyramid's defense, I think you are pretty much obligated to highlight the "A" if you are designing that title.) The actual pyramid here is a little knickknack. It's like a crappy version of the little puzzle thing from Hellraiser. And it unleashes pure evil, which is obviously problematic for whoever has it in their possession.

But this The Pyramid uses this framework to sort of have a connected anthology. It's four stories are about how this little knickknack affects the people who have it... how it magically uses them to do it's evil bidding. And maybe even take over the world! As much as a semi-sentient little toyshop pyramid can, anyways.

November 27th, 2015 - The Pyramid (2014)

This entry is particularly painful. I accidentally erased this entire post (note to my fellow inexperienced bloggers: do not use command Z to undo a page break). So, not only is this whole thing a waste of my time, I have to relive the painful experience of watching The Pyramid.

I remember being sort of excited when The Pyramid came out last year. I'm kind of a found footage nerd, and a pyramid seems like a more interesting setting than a haunted house for the thousandth time. But bad reviews, a busy holiday schedule, and a remarkably short theatrical run kept me away. And that's probably a good thing, because The Pyramid is a really bad, bordering on awful movie... one that would have probably invited to a regret-filled theatrical experience.

November 26th, 2015 - Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Hey yo! It's Manos! It's a bit weird to be using this for the blog, as I've kind of seen it many times. But only in riffed form. Maybe a half dozen times on MST3K, and twice on Rifftrax. This "real" version is more punishing, as you don't have the jokes or the buffers of the host segments. But I've never made it through the "real" version, and just like I wouldn't count a riffed movie as my movie for the day, it seems fair to use a movie that I've only seen riffed. So... Manos!

And this Manos is pretty special, because it's the recently released Blu-Ray, which was lovingly remastered in HD by Ben Solovey. Honestly, I don't really know how any of this stuff works... but this Manos looks great. Almost like a real movie at times! So many thanks to Mr. Solovey for his odd labor of love - you've made the world a better place, good sir.

November 25th, 2015 - Shocker (1989)

I feel like Shocker has gotten a little extra play as of late, given the recent passing of writer/director Wes Craven. It's a surprisingly light flick, considering the big bad is a serial killer (Horace Pinker) who massacres entire families! Usually, slashers just kill off teens or (shitty) single people/couples. Because knocking off an entire family is kind of depressing. And actually, Pinker is a serial killer until he's executed. At which point, using some sort of occult spell/black magic, he manifests into some sort of ghost/spirit who can jump either (a) from body to body, possessing the person, or (b) into the TV (?). It's interesting… Shocker starts out pretty grim, and progressively gets zanier until the big climax, which plays more like a comedy than anything else. So, even though it's a little on the long side, at least Shocker is never boring. 

Is it good? Eh... I mean, it's entertaining for sure, but I think I kind of expected more considering it's a Wes Craven joint - and also considering all of the love I've heard for it over the years. Granted, it's a love that often comes with an asterisk, but still. The tone is just kind of all over the place, and it never really cohered into anything that made enough sense for me to enjoy on anything other than a superficial level. Although there could be love for it because of how insane it is... and I kind of get that. But overall it just never clicked for me.

November 24th, 2015 - Shrooms (2007)

Confession: I've never done mushrooms. If I ever do (even though at age 35 my "trying new substances" days are almost over), I hope there isn't some ghost/beast thing running around trying to kill me after I take them. That would suck. And I guess that's pretty much the story of Shrooms.

It's worth noting that Shrooms is NOT a comedy. I expected it to be an Evil Bong-ish silly drug misadventure (the likes of which are generally painfully unfunny), but Shrooms is far from it. It plays more like a grim n' gritty slasher than anything. Not a particularly good one, mind you, but still a step up from your average drug comedy.