The Thirsty Dead is a rather bland and inoffensive cult horror film. (As in, it's about a cult - there's nothing exciting or weird enough here to give it a passionate following.) Hearing that title, you could reasonably expect a zombie or even a vampire film, but what you get instead is an "isolated cult (kind of) kills people to become immortal" film. The story in and of itself isn't bad, but overall the whole endeavor is kind of cheap looking and hokey - it has a real TV-movie feel and never really succeeds in being scary or troubling. The Thirsty Dead is never really outright bad - it's just kind of there.
It's about four young women in Manilla who who are all kidnapped by strange dudes in monk robes. The four don't know each other, but they quickly become friends - I guess being kidnapped together can make you tight quickly. It's not an overly violent kidnapping, and their captors aren't abusive or anything - they just take them to this weird cave out in the mountain wilderness. The media in Manilla posits that there is a white slavery ring in operation, although the real reason is even more bizarre. The secret mountain hideaway is actually the home of a cult that practices a strange religion - they worship a semi-alive head in a red cube (?) and feed on the vitality (i.e. blood) of young women to gain immortality. They don't outright kill their victims - just a little slice on the neck to bleed them every now and again. But perhaps a fate even worse than death awaits our heroes...
Or at least three of our heroes. Laura (Jennifer Billingsley) has been chosen to fulfill some sort of strange role/prophecy in the religion. A cult leader has been having visions and painting pictures that look exactly like her, long before her arrival! So while Laura is getting all gussied up and being treated like royalty, her friends are getting their blood drained. But Laura is unsure if that is the life for her, and must decide if she wants to stay on the island and gain eternal life, or risk everything and try to escape. (Guess which one she takes.) That's pretty much your movie - every once and a while our heroes will be groped by zombie-esque folks who are supposed to be really old people.
There just isn't a heck of a lot worth discussing. My favorite part of the film is this guy:
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| That Collar! |
Not so much for anything he does - but that is one hell of a fashion sense he's got there. I was giving Count de Sade from The Dungeon of Harrow a hard time for his collar the other day, but Baru here just destroys him in the giant collar category. So yeah - when that's the most memorable thing in your movie, you've got problems.
Mostly, The Thirsty Dead is just a cheap-looking and uninspired film. You'd think that having the cult's home in a secret mountain hideaway would allow for some cool scenery, but it all looks pretty bland. The costumes (huge collars aside) and sets are all pretty boring, and the action is mostly toothless. I guess the PG-rating should have been a warning. The music is very overwrought and feels like it belongs on an expensive 70s sitcom. The Thirsty Dead never really feels like a feature film - after about 5 minutes I would have bet $20.00 that this *had* to be made for TV. And from what I can find I would have lost that bet. When even a semi-alive head in a cube is kind of dull, you know there are some problems with the film re: building excitement.
All that aside, it's never offensively bad. The story has potential, and the acting is serviceable. And despite being dull more often than not, it never drags quite as much as it could. There's your pull quote right there. But the fact remains that there is really nothing here that makes it worth checking out.
I would not recommend this film.
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