So, I had really hoped Knight Chills was going to be the worst thing I had to watch over the next few months. It seemed like a good bet - but Jesus, The Howling 3. Just two days later. I was tempted to just put "F (forget!) This" and be done with the review, but I have "professional standards" to keep up.
I was recently bitching about how franchises nowadays needed and "Architect" - someone to watch over all the moving parts. But the Howling could have used it - there is no reason for this to even be a Howling movie - I don't know where, or why, other than cashing in on the name, this even exists. Because the thing is, the first Howling is really good, I thought. It had some good NYC sleaze to go along with it's quality werewolfing. Part 2 was a big disappointment, but nothing could have prepared me for part 3. Had I done my research (I never do), I'd have learned that Phillipe Mora, who was responsible for part 2 - didn't like how the studio meddled with part 2. So he bought the rights to the Howling 3 book (which has squat to do with his movie) so he could give it another go with his vision. Oof.
I've tried to erase this movie from my memory, but from what I can remember:
PLOT A - A guy gets attacked by a werewolf in Siberia, and the US government intercepts a message from the USSR about it. They send an anthropologist to Australia (?) to check it out. They find a hidden commune where marsupial werewolves have been living under the radar for years. The government captures them for testing, but our anthropologist feels bad about all of the harm people have done to werewolves over the years, so he helps them escape. He falls in love with one and they live in the outback for 15 years, until he finds that werewolves and people are cool now, so they can move back to the city.
PLOT B - Sexy werewolf Jerboa Jerboa runs away from the werewolf commune because her stepdad was going to rape her (which is TERRIBLY inconsistent in tone from EVERYTHING else that happens in the movie). - Okay! I just looked up a Jerboa - is this thing for real? - She escapes to the big city, where this guy Donny (who works on a movie set) sees her from several hundred feet away and just knows she needs to be in the werewolf movie he's helping shoot. The director (a foppish Alfred Hitchcock parody) agrees. Donny and Jerboa fall in love and have a creepy little half-werewolf baby a couple of days after they meet (?) If you're into puppets this baby is probably the best thing in the film. But the evil government forces want them too, so they escape to the outback, and live with the folks from PLOT A. But eventually they move back to the city to work in The Movies, and hate each other.
There, now you don't have to see it.
Per and imdb user review: "Is this the most catastrophically awful movie ever made?" (thanks 'An Expendable Man!') God, I hope so. It was bad enough to actually make me angry. Although I've read that this is generally accepted as the *second* worst Howling. Howling VII: New Moon Rising, step right up! I'm a little curious. Which means I've got at least 4 more of these things to watch. Damn it.
What I liked
The lead werewolf was named Jerboa Jerboa and is really sexy. They throw a dummy off of a really tall building at one point.
What I didn't like
This movie is just all over the place. Tonally, you never know what you're getting. There's failed attempts at: stupid comedy, satire, romance, body horror, suspense. It manages to make actual Australia look like a Universal backlot. The werewolf makeup in the "joke movie" looks better than the actual werewolves. It is a movie that retroactively does damage to those that had come before it. There are plenty of werewolf attacks and no blood. People don't know how to use straps to hold werewolves down. The acting is terrible. People watch TV in a cave. Annoying filters to distract you from bad effects. A lot of time passes without the audience knowing. There is an elite team of werewolf hunters (one character says "isn't that overkill?") - the "Elite Omega Team" is two people. Looks like a TV movie.
You know what? On second thought, forget this.
I would not, unless I really wanted to hurt someone, recommend this film
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