October 14th, 2015 - Unfriended (2014)

I don't want to out myself as a lame old man, but I don't have Facebook. So I was a little concerned about not understanding what was going on in Unfriended - the entire film unfolds on a laptop screen, mostly via Facebook and Skype. The film is able to do some interesting things with the set-up, and the story is much more fleshed out than you think it would be when you hear it consists entirely of a half-dozen kids talking on Skype. But you learn enough through side conversations, web browsing, and youtube videos that it's as easy to follow as a traditional narrative.

So for the first half of the film, Unfriended is pretty effective and occasionally creepy, as some sort of malicious, computer controlling spirit has it out for our teenaged friends. But it doesn't put that set-up to good use, as the film eventually devolves into a half hour of kids screaming at the camera. I think the idea is screaming/noisy = tense/scary, but it just doesn't work.

October 13th, 2015 - Valley of the Zombies (1946)

Not really even a zombie movie. And not in the White Zombie vein of 'this was before Night of the Living Dead and we don't recognize these things as zombies...' there's just no zombies here at all. (Nor is there a valley, incidentally.) The closest you get is Ormund Mercks (Ian Keith). He's technically dead, I guess, but walks/talks/generally operates like a normal, living person. He needs blood to survive - I'd guess he drinks it, but it's never explicitly mentioned. So I guess if "zombie" is a catchall for "scary dead guy," then Mercks counts.

Anyways, Mercks is at the hospital looking for blood. It doesn't hurt that the doctor who institutionalized him prior to his death is there also - so he can get a little revenge at the same time he gets his fix. Mercks doesn't *want* to kill the doctor, but it just so happens he's got the blood type he needs. And wouldn't you know it? The hospital blood bank is out of it. So murder it is, courtesy of unseen strangulation.

October 12th, 2015 - Coons! Night Bandits of the Night (2005)

Coons! Night Bandits of the Night is a damned silly movie. It's cheap, it's ugly looking, it's sophomoric and tasteless, and very much has the feel of a guy who got his friends together and was like "hey! Let's make a movie!" But the funny thing? Coons! is actually pretty good. Or at least, it's funny enough to be good. Considering how many jokes are in the film, the hit-miss ratio is incredibly good. (Amazon has it listed as a spoof - and the sheer number of jokes would support that claim. Although horror-comedy was my initial reaction.)

The catch? If it's not your style of comedy, it's likely to be insufferable. The characters overact about as loudly as possible, and seem to have the craziest/fakest costumes/looks that they could (cheaply) get away with. Facial hair in particular. Many actors play multiple roles, so the bad costumes (kind of) hide that. And the raccoons are very clearly inanimate and taxidermied - there is no attempt to fake anything else. But Coons! is the sort of movie that uses it's cheapness as a joke. And yeah, hearing that makes me shudder a bit, as most movies that try to do so are really quite bad. But every once and a while it works - and it does here. It's just fun, plain and simple. But I concede that it's not for everyone.

October 11th, 2015 - Mr. Hush (2010)

Well... I've had my eye on Mr. Hush for quite some time. The box art is pretty cool, and the description on Amazon says it's a "frightening throwback to the slasher films of the 1980s..." I don't think it is. Mr. Hush plays like someone asked the following question: "What if we made a horror movie, but instead of the villains being scary or intimidating or cool, we just made them really annoying?" It tries to be funny and clever, but ends up just being grating. I won't spoil just *what* Mr. Hush is supposed to be - hence the question mark label. But the screencap above gives you a hint. And it isn't rabbits - that's what I guessed at first. Because they look like carrots, yeah?

Anyways, it's odd that Mr. Hush unfolds as comedically as it does, because the first act is basically a somber tale about a Man Who Has It All (a loving wife, a great kid, always happy, and celebrating Halloween) And Then Loses It. Holland Price (Brad Loree) is chilling at home on Halloween night when a priest comes to the door, saying his bus has broken down and asking if he can use the phone. Except I don't think he's a real priest, because he kills Holland's wife and daughter. Holland just gets bonked on the head, and the assailant lets him live.

October 10th, 2015 - Creep (2014)

Creep is a breath of fresh air as far as found footage horror films go. It's not dependent on a dilapidated building, or bumps in the night, or people getting dragged away from the camera by an unseen force. Instead, Creep focuses on the relationship between cameraman Aaron and his employer for a day (by virtue of a Craigslist ad) Josef. They are the only two people in the film, aside from some disembodied voices on the phone. And as you may have guessed, one of them is indeed a creep.

Aaron heads up to Josef's cabin to shoot a days worth of footage. Josef has terminal cancer and a pregnant wife, and has been inspired by the Michael Keaton movie My Life to make a video for his unborn child. Josef seems like kind of a weird dude. He invites Aaron to film him in the bath tub and is prone to hiding and jump-scaring Aaron (and by extension, us) at random times. But Aaron needs the money and probably feels a little sympathy for him. And the two even seem to have an okay time at some points throughout the day. But as the time comes for things to wrap up, things get weirder - and we make our way into full-fledged horror movie territory.

October 9th, 2015 - I'll Be There with You (2006)

Here's the synopsis for I'll Be There with You, courtesy of Amazon: "An idyllic spring break road trip turns into the vacation from hell as Aki, Annie and their friends find themselves crossing paths with numerous dangerous characters, including a band of escaped mental patients." That's *obviously* a horror movie, right? Well, it veers far more into the thriller category - people die, and there's a little gore here and there, but writer-director Akihiro Kitamura doesn't seem particularly concerned with scares, atmosphere, or building tension. I'm not sure what he *is* interested in though... I'll Be There with You is a strange, strange film. It's got this rambling/semi-experimental style that is watchable, but maybe not in the way it was intended. The synopsis says "genre-bending," but that just might be a nice way of saying "unfocused."

Anyways, Kitamura starts as Aki, a young Japanese man living in America who is very much in love with his girlfriend Annie. Aki is a bit anxious about his expiring visa, but he's not going to worry about it too much because SPRING BREAK! He's heading out to some weirdo resort/ranch type place with Annie and their random group of friends - Annie's friend Jill, another Japanese guy who speaks very little English but is Quite The Joker, an angry drunk guy, and some random loner that they invite at the last minute. Since the film opens with all of them dead in a field, you know that the trip isn't going to go well for them. But the "fun" is getting there, I guess.

October 8th, 2015 - Deathmaster (1972)

Good name, not so good of a movie. If you were wondering what Robert Quarry (aka Count Yorga, Vampire) would look like as a hippie/Jesusy vampire instead of a suave/classy one, Deathmaster will give you that answer. Instead of debonair Yorga, Quarry's Khorda here is more of a new-agey guru who more or less takes over a group of hippies living in an old, rundown house. There's no doubt he's a smooth talker and telling them what they want to hear... "he's FAR OUT, MAN!" And they aren't even *that* nervous when he disappears into thin air. No one is really that concerned about this stranger except for Pico... most of his friends are easily swayed by the charismatic vampire. But when Pico notices his friends behaving oddly and a little zombie-like, he tries to get his girlfriend Rona out of there before they become a part of Khorda's undead crew.

I have to assume Deathmaster exists because Quarry's previous forays into vampirism were so successful (Yorga in 1970 and its 1971 sequel The Return of Count Yorga). So it's hard not to compare the two. (In fact, the art for the the two Yorga films have claims of "Mistresses of the Deathmaster" and "The Deathmaster is back from beyond the grave!") Other than some groovy music and the occasional silly hippie moment, Deathmaster is never really all that effective or even that fun. The victims all come across as being weak-minded goofs - even considering Khorda's "charisma" (in quotes, because it's clearly intended but never comes across) the hippies are taken over way too easily - all it takes is a dance, apparently.