January 24th, 2015 - Dark Floors (2008)

I had completely forgotten about the concept of Dark Floors being "the Lordi Movie" until I saw that the script was based on an idea by "Mr. Lordi." Lordi, if you are unfamiliar, is basically the Finnish GWAR - a rock group who dress up as their monstrous alter egos and play rock n' roll music. I'm not a Lordi (or GWAR) aficionado, but from what I can tell, Lordi is more serious than GWAR (who mostly seem to go for laughs). Although I guess you have to have a decent sense of humor to do a press conference in full costume. Lordi also has better costumes - it turns out Mr. Lordi designs all of them and is a professional makeup artist. So it kind of makes sense that Lordi the band would eventually make their way into a horror film.

But despite being labeled as "The Lordi Movie" in a lot of the press, the band really isn't in it all that much. Dark Floors plays out a lot more like a haunted hospital movie, where the band members just show up, one at a time. Really, there could have been any ghost/creature here, and it wouldn't change the story all that much.

Dark Floors is about a group of people who are trapped in a haunted hospital. We've got a young autistic girl, her father, a young female nurse, an asshole businessman, an older male cop, and a hobo guy who may be crazy or may have some insight into the spirit realm. The six of them get on an elevator and it stops in between floors. Dark Floors. When they manage to get off just a short while later, the hospital seems to be deserted. They try to find their way out, but have to deal with scary monsters (or at people from a metal band pretending to be monsters) that are standing in their way.

First, the bad - and unfortunately, it's an overwhelming bad. Lordi (the band) make pretty bad movie monsters. I mean, they've got really good costumes for a live rock band (where they need to be able to move around, play instruments, look cool, and sing), but for imposing movie villains they just look kind of stupid. It's really way too obvious that it's just a man in a suit, and that suit isn't necessarily meant for being scary. Lose the leather jackets and studded gloves at least, you know? And it doesn't help that the noises they make are CLEARLY not coming from them. I mean, this may be the first time I would have preferred a CGI beast over a real thing. Even just a plain old crazy guy would have been scarier. For me, it just made the whole endeavor a little laughable when it should have been frightening. Mr. Lordi actually ends up looking okay, but the rest of his bandmates are bad news. So despite not having a ton of screentime, they really bring the whole thing down.

And it's too bad, because there are some kind of cool ideas going on when the non-Lordi stuff is happening. There is some nice time-travel stuff that works quite well, and the little girl does some pretty creepy-looking crayon scribble drawings. And Dark Floors looks really good - the hospital (post elevator) is painted in this mix of cool turquoise/pastel and rust colors, and it looks about halfway between a new hospital and an abandoned one you'd see investigated on Ghost Adventures. Dark Floors has a good, crisp look to it, and really, the production design is solid across the board.

So really, it's kind of a bummer that it's dragged down by the Lordi stuff. But without Lordi, they probably wouldn't have the budget or clout to do what *does* work in the film. So it's kind of a catch-22.

Here's a picture of Mr. Lordi grocery shopping:

because it makes me laugh

Overall, I wanted to like Dark Floors. I think it's cool that Lordi and director Pete Riski tried to play it straight - there isn't really any comedy to speak of in the film. But unfortunately, it's a big swing and a miss. Or at least a foul ball. It doesn't help that they never really bother to explain anything and the ending is kind of a cop out. Plus, I'm not sure if there is anyway to put costumed rock group on film and make it work. Although, I think maybe having them solve mysteries a la Scooby Doo would be the way to go (I'm picturing Slipknot or The Residents cruising around in a groovy van)...

I would   not recommend   this film.