Avoid at all costs. I want to be done with thinking about Road Hell, and kind of want to stop this entry here. But the show must go on.
Road Hell is an anthology - our main wraparound story is about a bickering couple (an asshole business man and his pill-popping "Real Housewives of Jersey Shore"-esque wife) who end up in a hotel... imdb says a "horrific accident" led them there, but I thought maybe she had to go to the bathroom. Despite walking in on the super janky guy working at the front desk screwing an inflatable sheep, they decide to stay there. I reckon out of spite - for each other and for the audience. From this stupid, stupid set-up, they witness 3 tales of terror... one on the hotel TV, one that manifests in the middle of the room out of nowhere, and a third that I don't even care anymore.
Seriously, this is the kind of movie that even thinking about while writing this makes me kind of angry. Maybe I have problems. It's a despicable film - and not because it's crass. Although, if you ever wanted to see fake jizz onscreen in the same minute as a woman hovering over a toilet and dropping a CGI turd, then sign up for Amazon Prime and let the fun begin. I can deal with bad taste posing as humor, but this movie is despicable in how few fucks were given. The shorts on their own would average out to be not so good - one is okay, one is ambitious but stupid, and one is really, really bad. (The really bad one is the longest, of course.) But they pale in comparison to the epic, tone-deaf horribleness of the wraparound.
Story one ("The One") has nudity and really bad acting. It's about a vampire and some Chosen One who has to kill her, or something. It's confusing, because the chosen one and one of the main victims look virtually the same (they could be part of a set of triplets with Scott Stapp). Although imdb tells me that they may be the same actor, so I guess it makes sense that they look the same. I still couldn't tell you what it's supposed to mean. This short at least has the semblance of effort and attempts at decent blocking and interesting shot composition, so that's something.
The second tale ("Deep into the Rabbit Hole") is about a kid (maybe 12-13?) whose dog is killed by a mysterious beast in the woods (that look suspiciously like a local park). The boy and this girl and this other boy with a gun (?) try to find the beast and kill it. They find a hole and the kid with the gun stupidly gives it to the other kid and climbs in, instructing him to "shoot it when it comes out." His legs are swiftly ripped from his body. This is when you get the cops, or at least and adult, yeah? Nope! This kid wants to finish it himself, and now he has the dead kid's gun. They enlist 3 other kids, 2 of which are promptly killed. Mostly because they just stand around the hole like jackasses and don't run away - I can stomach poor decision making in horror films, but not running in this situation is just ridiculous. So now, they get the cops? Nope! In fact, there is not an adult in this short. Maybe the filmmakers were trying to make some sort of statement on innocence by casting all kids (none of them are very good actors, BTW), but even kids need to act like human beings occasionally. Oh yeah, and here's the beast:
The third story ("Zombies Zombies Everywhere") is the best, and not only by virtue of it being the shortest. (Although that does have a lot to do with it.) It's found footage - shot as a documentary/interview, so it's a little easier to swallow the filmmaking missteps that are present everywhere else in the movie. Its idea is a little unique - zombies are omnipresent and basically are treated as pests. The short is made up of a journalist interviewing one of the most renowned zombie exterminators. The effects are surprisingly good - the make-up/gore here represent the only legitimate moments of excitement and passion to be found in Road Hell. However, the acting is pretty bad, and the comedic aspect of it misses the target - it seems to think loud = funny. But it's short enough that it doesn't overstay it's welcome.
But again, the best horror short in the world wouldn't save this sinking ship. Any bright spots would be overpowered by the stench of the wraparound segments anyways. And Road Hell is NOT a so-bad-it's-funny deal. It's one of those movies that make you feel worse about yourself. What kind of choices have I made in my life that have led me to watching (and finishing!) Road Hell?
I didn't like it. I'm excited to be done writing this and hopefully never have it cross my mind again.
I would stay far, far away from this film.
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